The Seven Year Itch

2017 is here!  So many have been anxiously awaiting the new year as if some miracle will happen and bring magic into our lives.  For me, the harsh reality is that nothing will ever take the pain that has settled to the bottom of my heart with Tony's name on it.  This is not to say that have not found joy or happiness.  I have.  I laugh, smile, go on vacations, play silly games and for the most part, truly enjoy my life and cherish those who have stayed or joined in to walk with me through it!

I hear many say that after three years, after five years, after seven years, after ten years it will begin to mellow.  You will process and learn to cope easier.  In my youth of grief wisdom, I actually believed that after three years it began to soften.  It did, but like the tide, it flows in and out never staying static for long.

 I hit the seven-year mark on July 11th, 2016.  Smooth sailing so I thought.  I kept pushing this unsettled feeling away.  Chalked it up to a fragmented family, recovering illness, loss of income, but honestly, deep down, I knew.  Years do not mark our grief.  Our heart does not feel in time.  The holiday season was here and I missed my boy, my dad and others.  All the preparing, all the coping, all the tools I was taught and teach did not matter.  My heart knew grief and it took hold with a vengeance.

There were bright spots, and my Christmas village went up, the house was strung with lights, I went into New York City with friends and her granddaughter experiencing the wonder of Christmas through a child's eyes once again. Memories, connecting with Tony's friends, hearing stories, sharing photos, beautiful days, gratitude, grace, love, peace, health, wonderful nights, amazing sons, a kind husband and patient friends; these are the things that bring us through the dark spots.  I practice gratitude and random acts of kindness.  I do these in honor of Tony.  I acknowledge the good, try not to be so hard on myself allowing the world to take shape around me.  I have let go of control (OK, mostly) and am working on letting go of worry!  THAT is my nemesis.   After all, I have learned first hand that nothing is off-limits.  That the worst possible thing you can imagine happening, can!  How do you not worry after that?

Todays Horoscope..odd

July 11, 2014
Your Beautiful Presence
Virgo Daily Horoscope
You might feel like opening your heart up to other people, which may mean that you may want to seek the companionship of friends today. By enjoying the company of the people you most care about, you could find it easier to simply be yourself and savor your relationships. Perhaps this would be a good time for you to work on letting your guard down and allowing yourself to trust completely the people who mean so much to you. Opening your heart to another person today, even though it can sometimes be scary, can mean so much within the context of a relationship. You might picture that your heart and the heart of your loved ones are one in order to see the deep connection you share and make the time you spend together even more cherished. Learning to be with the people in our lives means letting ourselves be who we are. In social situations it is easy for many of us to put on a mask of sociability, which help us to appear friendly, in a good mood, or to conform to the ideals of others. The people who are our truest friends, however, are people with whom we remove our masks and expose our truest selves, which makes the time that we spend together genuine and much more fulfilling. By letting your inner light shine through and show the beauty that is you today, your interactions with others will be filled with true joy.

Dan's 30th Birthday

Below is a draft I found when I came here to post in what has been a VERY LONG TIME!  I have decided to post this a year after the fact.  The lack of content was not a conscious decision, but rather life became busy, time and efforts were devoted elsewhere and my therapy became the foundation rather than this blog.  I have decided to try and do both!  Wish me luck~

Last year I wrote:

Dan is turning thirty!  I can not believe my middle child is going to me thirty years old.  This brings a huge bag of mixed feelings.  My oldest turned thirty just a few weeks after Tony died.  I was in a back brace from surgery and in shock.  I remember it being a sunny day and how hard it had to be for Dave and Dan.  Celebrating so soon after Tony died.  Tony would not have had it any other way.  I am sure he was right there with us!  Life goes on!

Today, we celebrate Dan!  What an amazing young man he has become.  I still, and always will refer to him as my "middle child".  Sometimes I wonder how he feels, if he now considers himself the youngest.  I have never brought this up to him, but I wonder.  I know Tony is guiding us along, nudging us gently, maybe a bit forcefully sometimes in the direction we should go.  I also know that my boys have a hard time believing this.  I don't blame them, but I hope that one day they will have the strength to let go of the safe and believe in their brother!

I miss Tony even more on these special milestone life events.  I could hear the "old" jokes he would be throwing out.  His quiet, dry humor that always seemed to aggravate and make me laugh.  Tony and Dan were very close.  Dan kept a close eye on his brother, reporting things on a need to know basis to me and keeping many things to himself while trying to guide his younger brother in life.  I felt good know Dan was looking out for Tony. I hope now Tony is looking our for Dan!

Happy Birthday Dan!

Welcome 2012!

Wow!  I can hardly believe it has been almost a year since my last post!  Life has certainly been hectic.  The days blended together into a sea of waves crashing against the shore.  Most days left me a little worse for the tumble, a few, softened like sea glass.

It was a year of sickness for my loved ones.  A journey through many aspects of health issues I would have rather never become acquainted with.  I now know more medical terms, hospital routines, testing lingo, and the intricacies of how the heart works than necessary for your average layman.  I have been indoctrinated to the world of cancer and the evil it wrecks, not only on those carrying the illness inside their body, but on the adverse effects on their loved ones.

My husband, the heart patient, after many extremely close calls has fought through and recovered nicely.

My dad, the cancer patient, joined Tony right after Thanksgiving.

Dad and Tony
Christmas 2007

 I am a bit beaten up having gone through caregiver of both. I am grateful that my husband with the guidance and knowledge of his extremely talented Doctors had a great outcome after many rare and scary occurrences.  We had become regulars at the hospital.  Certainly not a place you want to call your home away from home, but I am grateful for the caring staff who made us feel safe, comfortable and cared for.

Dad and I at a wedding August 2011

I am also grateful that my dad, although he did suffer, he did not suffer long.  I miss the stubborn man, the conversations, the smile, the backseat driver, the man who helped define how I would look at all men in my life.

I now find myself settling back into my life.  I have been working very hard on my son's foundation and am proud of the direction it is going in.  The feedback has been very positive and the fact that I can help others along this path is very rewarding.

If you would like to keep up with the foundation, you may subscribe to updates through the website.  This past year we held a fundraiser which brought in enough money to start the process of becoming Non Profit, had a sibling/friend friendly brownstock fundraiser, held a free Angel Concert with Alan Pedersen, and hosted our third candle lighting!  This year we are holding a memorial blood drive in March and am sponsoring a parent to attend the Compassionate Friends National Conference in July along with the annual Candle lighting.  We are hoping to start a support group.  Many members of the compassionate friends feel they would benefit from meetings held more often.  We hope to fill this void for them!  We have also been working on an Angel Recipe book due to be out very soon!

Grief is a long journey, hard work and exhausting.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and you can never predict what, when, where, why or how it will hit you.  It is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life but I am determined to learn, grow and love more than ever in honor and memory not only of my Tony, but especially for my other two sons, so that they may learn that life may kick you, even knock you out, but it is possible to survive!

I hope to continue to add to this blog more often and to share the many aspects this path brings my way!

May peace find it's way into your heart this year and always!

In Loving Memory of my Dad
Henry DiJulio Jr
7/1/33 - 11/27/11

Happy Birthday To My Tony

Twenty six years ago on a Saturday afternoon during american bandstand, I gave birth to my youngest son.  Anthony Michael Brown came into this world March 9th, 1985 in his own unique, stubborn way.  After almost ten months of pregnancy and 3 weeks of labor; a nearly ten pound, blue eyed angel stole my heart.  After much debate the Dr decided he was to large to have naturally and was going to prep me for a c-section.  Well, Tony was not going to have that, when everyone left the room, Tony decided it was time to make his way.  A nurse was nearby and yelled for a Dr, Tony had the cord around his neck. Panic set in, no crying to be heard and he was purple.  My heart had stopped beating.  Then the most beautiful sound, a cry and the Dr telling me he was okay.

Tony proved to be stubborn throughout his life.  He liked things his way on his terms and as his nursery school teachers so delicately put it- he was a determined child.  A trait that would serve him well as he grew into it.  Sadly, I will never get to see the full potential of that determination that had us butting heads during the teenage years.  If I had only known, I would have not fought as much about bedtime, homework, curfew, clean rooms, chores and the like.  I would have played more, laughed more and if possible, loved more.

Tony lived a life that touched many people.  He was a son that with one look could make your heart sing, a brother that with one look would make you laugh, a boyfriend that could drive you crazy while making you happy, a friend, a nephew, a cousin and an uncle.  He made many lives better just because he was in them.  The world has lost a beautiful heart and I miss him more and more each day.  It seems impossible to me that it is his second birthday without us.  If you had asked me before July 11, 2009 what would happen to me if a child had died I would have answered, I would also die.  Truth be told, a part of me has, but through the strength of family and friends, one foot continues to be put in front of the other, the sun comes up every day and I have vowed to make my life one that will make Tony proud.
I have started a foundation in Tony's memory.  It is called The Tony Brown Foundation and is dedicated to helping families through the grieving process by providing events that will move them forward ont his most difficult journey.  We will also raise money to proved students of Masuk High Schools and Full Sail University scholarships to further their education.

Fundraisers will revolve around interests of Tonys and happen a few times a year.  The ultimate goal is to make the foundation a place for grieving families to gain support, strength, and happiness while feeling safe and move forward with their lives in honor and memory of their child.

Everything I do, I do for you!

I will carry you in my heart for ever.  Happy Birthday honey.  Love you always-Mom

Denial

The reality of Tony never coming home for dinner again is hitting harder and harder.  I heard about the shock and denial stage and thought how silly that was. How can you deny what you know to be real? Now I know it is real, and more frightening I may still be deep in that stage.  It has become apparent through desperate attempts at avoiding my reality that this craziness of denial is in fact a reality.  I have seemed to regress, but this too I hear is normal.  I feel strong, I laugh, I enjoy my family, and then out of nowhere, I am back to day one.   I will be cleaning the house and come across something that I would have normally given to Tony, so, I walk down the hall, open the door to his room and throw it on his bed.  A very normal act, if he were here.  As I walk away, I know what I did was a bit odd, but it feels right.  These are the kind of things that have made me understand the shock and denial stage. 

I read an interesting article about denial and how important it is for our bodies and brains.  We could not survive without it.  Denial helps our minds ease into a reality that would be unbearable resulting in trauma that may become unfixable.  A loss of losing a child is considered to be the greatest loss one can suffer.  It is the unnatural order.  Our brains are wired into recent memories.  The brain needs time to absorb the new reality of memories without our children in them, like a sponge that is already soaked with water, it will eventually hold more water it will take some time for the old water to drain out making space for the new.  So, I hunker down in this new world of denial and wait for reality to smack me in the face. As i move along this new path, from time to time a pocket appears in my brain and fills with the new reality.  It truly sucks.  I hate it.  I am doing the best I can for my family, we need each other to lean on.

 My husband had been scheduled for heart surgery last month, at the last minute the surgeon called it off.  In the operating room the nurse noticed an image that appeared to be a blood clot.  The Dr. had scalpel in hand ready to cut, if he had, my husband would have had a stroke.  Times like those, I believe my son is truly our angel.  It was a scary few days, he went into v-tach when they were removing his respirator and had some complications.  While he was in ICU all I could think of was Tony.  I hate how hospitals just bring it all back.  I have no idea why I am being tested or what good can come of all this, but I am trying to see the positive side in every situation.  I believe Tony saved my husband from that stroke, but I hate that Tony was in a position for me to be able to believe it.  I would much rather have a different guardian angel and have Tony at my side.

The holidays are upon us and I am sure that this friend called denial will help me get through them.  Thanksgiving is in a few days.  The house will fill with family and I will try to reamin thankful for the years I spent having Tony as my son, for his memories, for the love of my other two sons, husband, family and friends and not think about how empty I feel without him in my life.  This year has been harder than the first.  Sounds crazy, but from what I am told as the schock wears off it gets worse.  I am making a centerpiece place mat out of some of Tony's dress shirts for the table.  It will be a beautiful addition to the table.

My sons just had a fundraiser for prostate cancer.  It was called Movember.  They got a team together and all grew moustaches for the month of November in efforts to raise awareness to their cause. I found it ironic that they found a cancer project that used growing a moustache as a way to promote it.  Tony was all about facial hair! They continue to make me a proud mom.  They live their lives and continue to be kind, caring, loving brothers, sons and friends.  Life continues to happen around me no matter how broken my heart is.  It is up to me to decide if I sit on the side and watch it happen, or live it to the best of my ability in Tony's memory.  I know what Tony would want for me.


 

Celebrations and memories

 My Tattoo...a few minutes after getting it!

My birthday was the 21st of September.  I am now 53 years old.  Most days I feel 112.  To mark my birthday this year, I decided to get a tattoo.  This is not typical for me but I could not think of a better way to remember my son of my birthday that with a tattoo in his honor.  Now, some may argue, that there are many other ways to remember your child, that you do not need to make a statement, your child is always remembered and in your heart.  These sentiments are true, however, I felt the need to project this louder than normal.  I had designed a tattoo over a year ago, this was not a hasty decision.  I refined it and could not be happier with the results.  It is small, fairly simple and very personal.  It sits on the inside of my right wrist where I can look down at it often.  It is a heart, made out of a filmstrip with a skateboard coming out of the bottom.  The inside of the heart contains Tony's actual signature taken from a card he had given me.    I love it.  I brings back his childhood.  Tony loved to skateboard, so much so he with the help of his brothers and friends designed and built a half pipe for our yard.  Many scrapped knees, elbows and minor injuries were had through his teen years from skateboarding.  He kept it up right on through fill school. 

To celebrate my birthday, I went to a small restaurant called Ann & Tony's.  It was perfect.  Aside from one elder gentleman who kept playing with his false teeth in the corner, we had the place to ourselves.  The food was delicious and the company was fantastic, Dave, Dan, Jeff, and Brenda.  Exactly the small celebration I needed.

The weekend after, we spent with some friends camping at our property.  It was a beautiful weekend.  Great food, stimulating conversation, fishing, mowing, loaded questions along with other camp games, s'mores,  a trip into town, breathtaking foliage and memories.  I took Tony with us and sat him in the barn.  It was a tough weekend, Tony's presence was strong.  I saw him everywhere, fishing on the dock, out on the boat, slumped in the chair at the barn, riding his bike.  He should be here, it will never be the same without him.  He truly loved this property.  At the top of the mountain, a huge bird circled while we took in the view.  It was there for some time, until I acknowledge it, went and got my camera and took its photo.  Once I captured it with my camera, the beautiful bird soared away.   It re appeared once we reached the bottom and I started mowing.  Again, it followed me through the field until I acknowledge it with a photograph. 

I am sure it is just me reading "signs" into otherwise everyday occurrences.  I have decided, that if these "signs" help get me through the days and nights then I will accept them as I see them.

I attended my first wedding since Tony's death.  It was Tony's good friend Tim.  I knew it would be hard, being there with his friends, but I was not prepared for the ambush.  I should have been, but I concentrated more on the flood of memories that I was going to have to handle and the fact that I was with his friends when Tony should be.  But here it was, the mother / son dance.  Why did I not think of this?  How could I have totally overlooked that this was going to happen so I could have prepared myself for it?  It was beautiful.  Sure, a few tears snuck up, but I was happy to witness this heartfelt moment on Tony's behalf. 

We toasted Tony and I believe he was with us, he would not have missed Tim and Laura getting married for anything.  Tim's mom and I reminisced about the time Tim and Tony got stranded in Colorado coming home from a snowboarding trip when they were in High school.  Some great memories were shared and the bride and groom graciously donated to a foundation for TTP in Tonys name fro their wedding guests.  A slide show brought back even more memories of the men when they were just teenagers. 

It was a rough month, I was anxious about getting through it, but each day was a new sunrise, with the hopes of a better day.  I try to live each day with the attitude that if today is hard, the sunrise will always bring hope for a brighter day.  One day at a time is how I live my life, sometimes, one minute at a time.

One day to the next

Somedays the only thing that gets me to the end of the day; is the mere fact that I made it through yesterday.  The pain can become so great, that as I walk through crowds of people I wonder why they are not stopping to help me, after all, something that feels this horrific surely must be visible to the naked eye.  It feels as if I should be wearing a sign to explain the black cloud that follows me around.  That someone should be asking me if I need to sit down, or need a doctor.

As I strolled to my car after leaving the grocery store, which by the way is one of the worst places for me to be, I felt the actual pain of my heart breaking.  A young couple was heading towards me, smiling, and for a moment I actually wondered what was wrong with them, how could anyone smile.  But, of course, life goes on despite my pain, so I smiled back and realized that we become masters at hiding the pain and fitting in with society.  Babies are born, weddings take place, happy occasions surround us.  This was all very normal before my son passed away.  Now, with each occasion I question how I will survive it, plan coping mechanisms and hope for the best all the while knowing I may need to excuse myself and head back to the security of my own home.

I have attended a baby shower, a grand opening of a friends store,  have some birthday celebrations coming up (including my own) and a very special wedding.  Tonys absence for these weigh heavily on my heart.  Last year I celebrated my birthday by taking a trip with some very close family and friends to scatter some of Tonys ashes.  I needed to be connected with my son and felt strongly about doing this on my birthday.  It was my way of including Tony.   I have no idea how I will get through this year.  I want to run away and hide but I knowTony would not be very happy with that, I have always made a big deal over everyones birthdays.  So, in honor of my son, I will celebrate, I will figure out some way to cope, to get through the day and move forward; after all, it is really just one more day of putting one foot in fron of the other.

After all, one of the reason we survive this journey is to keep our child's memory alive.  If not for us, then who will make sure no one ever forgets, EVER!

Annual Camping Trip

Every year our family and friends head on up to our property for a few days of fun and relaxation. This year, the group was smaller, at times, life has a way of getting in the way of living it. I am starting to think that our summers need to go back to the way they were when I was growing up. They started with the last day of school towards the beginning of June (MAYBE the middle if there were a lot of snow days), and ended AFTER labor day. Now these kids have a million snow days which cut their summers short. With families and events, narrowing down a time that is good for 20 people is getting harder and harder.

At first my reaction was panic, I thought now that Tony was not with us, it was changing. That may be true, but I realized something very important. I was given exactly what was needed. I thought I would be able to breeze through the trip, after all I was smart and planned a "pre-camping" trip to prepare my physique. HA! Nothing could have been further from the truth. The emotional pain hit me the morning we were to leave upon awakening at 5am. Panic set in. What happens if my home burns down? Now, mind you, I have always been frightened of fire, I unplug everything and hope but this time seemed more desperate. My photographs will be destroyed. I immediately went into irrational mode, I gathered important photos off the tables and walls, a shoebox full of memories, all my photo discs and took them with us! Yes, sounds absurd that a grown woman would resort to this, but if I lost these last remaining tangible bits of Tony's existence what kind of mother would I be?

With that thought embedded in my mind, I packed the last few things into the camper before setting out at six AM. I felt much calmer with the security of memories traveling with us.

No mowing this trip just good old fashioned R&R! I sat down by the dock and read, we played games by the fire and went out to eat and walk to streets of Lake Placid one evening. BBQ at The Tail of The Pup! What a wonderful time. We hiked to the top of the mountain and all put on our "downtown tony" shirts for a group photo. I am sure the heaviness that filled my heart was lifted by the fact that I was surrounded with love. True love. This, is where irony comes into play, as much as I was missing my dear sweet boy, the fact that this trip had so many people missing eased the pain. You see, it was then that I realized, this trip was exactly how it should be. The group photo was missing a whole group of families and friends, NOT just Tony.

We headed down the mountain for dinner at the campfire only to be greeted by rain. We made the best of it and played catch phrase in the barn. It poured that evening, and I knew that this beautiful family of mine would survive the beast that was placed along our paths. That Tony's memory was a good and strong one and will fill our hearts with a peace and happiness for the rest of our lives. This I am certain and most grateful for.

The next morning left a beautiful fog over the mountains and lake. It was peaceful as we packed up to head back to our reality. Once everyone had left, I headed down to where Tonys stone is and spent a bit of time talking to him. It was sad to leave, I always feel closest to Tony at our property! I do know that his love will be in my heart, his memory in my head and whether I bring photos with me or not, his presence will fill every inch of my being for the rest of my life.

Hardest Yet

August seems to be playing itself out as an especially painful month.  This surprises me.  I thought July would be the month to do me in, after all I was reliving all the events leading up to the moment Tony died.  That is the painful reality of this journey I am now on.  My reality shifts moment to moment.  What I think will be a great distraction and fun time can turn on me in a second, leaving me in a heap of tears and memories.  I then tell myself, I can move on, I can get past this.  As these thoughts cross my mind a vice grip envelopes my heart and won't let go.  How can the pain and hurt be so strong this long into my grief?  It as if I am grieving more intensely now than a year ago.  Was I that much in denial?  Did I really think Tony might come home again?  Am I losing my mind?  I have no idea.  I do know that this new life sucks and I want my son back.  I can not seem to go more than a few seconds without Tony invading my thoughts.  I try very hard to remember that I am not alone in this pain.  I try to embrace the wonderful memories I was fortunate to share with my son.  I try and try, but this month wants me to grieve deeply.  I am giving in.  I am submerging myself in memories, tears, anger - whatever emotion wells up inside me I am going to try and tackle it head on.  Usually, I can smile when Tony comes knocking on my heart, feel both the pain and the joy of the memory; but lately there is no escape from the sadness.  I am confident this extreme pain again will pass.   For reasons unknown it is taking much longer than most times.



So, how do I handle the fact that a year has come and gone and I am still standing?  For now I cry, and I smile while I look through photos, I remember all the beautiful times with family and friends, miss what once was, and search for something to help make sense of this life that is now mine and pray that my sons, and my husband,  will not walk this same path and if they do, that I may reach out to them and help them know they are not alone.  That with love, patience and understanding we can get through anything together.

A life celebrated

A year has come and gone.  As typical with any special occasion, the days leading up to it and the days after are much worse than the actual day itself.  The night before as I tried to sleep, I was treated to a beautiful moment. I had a vision.  Some may call it a dream, but it only lasted about thirty seconds.  I saw the most beautiful place I have ever seen.  Tall green mountainside surrounding a valley with wild flowers and waving grasses everywhere.  From out of the mountainside through the valley, my son came walking towards me.  He was tan, dressed in his normal shorts and t-shirt wearing his hat,  sunglasses and his big beautiful smile.  He was radiating peace and happiness as he walked towards me.  I can recall being so excited to see him but knew it was just a moment in time.  I woke up smiling.  That was it.  Short but beautiful.  It felt so real, so peaceful.   I looked at the clock and noticed it was only four in the morning.  I sat up knowing I would not be falling back to sleep.  At that moment I heard a voice in my mind urging me to lay back down.  I did, and slept until 8:30!  As my feet hit the floor, I realized I felt at peace and I knew I would get through whatever the day was going to throw my way. I still am not sure what took place that evening.  For lack of anything better I call it a very short dream.  However, it did not feel like a dream, it felt real, honest and tangible.
After pouring my coffee,  I went outside to greet the day.  It was beautiful day, warm, and sunny.  Looking to the sky a butterfly came down and landed on my shoulder.  My son was with me, I knew it, I felt it and I was thankful to be able to look forward to sharing the day with friends and family.

Now, I am not saying the day was without tears, and waves of emotion.  That would be crazy.  Odd things set my mind reeling.  Flowers from his friends, watching the new generation of babies knowing that I will never experience Tonys children, enduring my boys struggle with their own emotions, seeing Brenda keep a smile all day while knowing she would rather scream and cry, having my parents not only deal with their own grief but watching their daughter and grandsons relive the most devastating day of their lives and my husband helpless to rid us all of this pain as he sat leg elevated on crutches.
I am grateful that so many people came to share our love for Tony.  It was awkward but it felt right.  At the end of the evening we all went out to Tony's skate ramp and let balloons float up to the sky.  As they drifted away I felt comfort believing that one day I will see my son again.  I do not know when or how, but I do know I will be with him.  Until that day I will live each day moment by moment and always try to remember to celebrate his life I shared with him rather than grieve for the loss.  Do not misunderstand me, I am not that strong.  Many, many times you may catch a glimpse of me with a tear in my eye, but when that happens, I try to gather any of the wonderful memories that make me smile.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, it is constant, unrelenting and exhausting.  The strength of my friends and family and knowing Tony would want me to be happy are what keeps me strong.

The days ahead are unknown,  I hope with each one I not only continue to grow stronger but I can make Tony proud of me.

A year

It has been a year.  A year since I have seen your smile.  A year since I have heard your laughter.  A year since I saw that twinkle in your eye or the sarcasm in your voice.
A year.

It scares me to think that a whole year has gone by.  It seems like just yesterday you were out on the boat with us doing your crazy antics.  It was a great day.  I am so grateful to have had it.  I do not know how I have managed to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make it to today.  Your memory is intertwined with every moment of my life.  It sits comfortably in my thoughts like a song playing gently in the background.  Sometimes the music brings smiles, sometimes tears, mostly it is just there like a companion on my journey through this  rough path I must travel.

There are days I search for you, not physically, but something.  I talk to you often and  hear you tell me to "relax mom" even more often.  My heart aches for those of us left to live our lives without you.  You were an amazing young man taken from this earth to soon.  I am always wondering what you would be doing.  I see you in your brothers faces, Brenda's eyes and friends and families smiles when talking about you.   You have left a lasting impression on so many hearts.

I miss you more than ever, I try hard to smile with your memory, walk the path you would have wanted and keep your memory alive within all of us.  I am blessed to have had the privilege to call you my son, to have the memories our family has made, to share them with your brothers, Brenda, relatives and friends and to live each day with the warmth of you within my heart.  

I hope you are somewhere beautiful, enjoying your after life as only you would and that we will all be together sharing each others joy someday.  I miss thise hugs so much!

Life will continue to go on, we will live our lives with a hole in our hearts, and while we will miss you greatly, it is true, that we will all float on!               

I get by with a little help from my friends....

Last night, Jeff and I went to see Ringo Starr and His All Star Band.  What a great concert.  Edgar Winter, Rick Derringer, Gary Wright, Richard Page, Wally Palmar,  and Gregg Bissonette made up the band.  Classic songs filled the air along with memories of youth. “It Don’t Come Easy”, “Photograph”, “Little Help From My Friends”,  not only brought me back in time to my youth, but each song had a message with this new life I now live.  “Free Ride,” “Frankenstein,” and “Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo,” reminded me fondly of my ex husband and the days before children while “Broken Wings,” “Kyrie,” “Hang on Sloopy,” “Dreamweaver,” “Talking In Your Sleep,” and “What I Like About You.” all conjured up visuals of my three boys singing along in the car or dancing while listening to the music as I cleaned house.

It amazes me still how powerful and complicated the mind is.  Music has always been a very strong part of my life.  During the teenage years it was an escape.  I would lay on my bed and disappear into the lyrics and beat of a song.  As I grew older, music uplifted me, shook my soul, and made me happy.  I took this with me throughout my adult life.  I embraced songs I remembered from happy times with my parents and siblings, I discovered new music, sang, danced, smiled and even cried to some songs. 
Now, music always seems to bring a memory of some sort to my heart. Recently, I was in the grocery store and heard a song that reminded me of Tony.  It upset me so much I had to leave without buying a thing.  Another time, I heard the same song, smiled, and moved on untouched by the invasion.  Othertimes, I have heard the same song and became very melancholy, shed a tear, smiled and continued on with my day with a heavy but happy heart.

Music is a beautiful instrument for the soul  It is something you can hear no matter where you are or what you are doing.  More often than not, it brings a smile and a connection to people and places that have been an important part of my life.  I continue to remain grateful for the gifts in my life and the fact that I am able to cherish such grand memories of my son, especially through something so simple as music.

I have been avoiding writing on this blog, a year is approaching since my families life have changed.  I is unspeakable to me that we have survived.  I know we must, and life will continue to move forward, but I am having trouble accepting that fact. It seems as if Tony has embedded himself deep into my heart and soul and nothing will touch his presence even for a moment.  There is not a waking second that he does not exist in my thoughts. 

Last night at the concert was no exception.  At one point I actually smelled pickles.  YES, pickles!  It was as strong as if I opened a jar right there.  When I asked my husband if he smelled them, he gave me that look, the one that says, "I want to believe you did, but...".   I  have no explanation, nor do I want one.  Did I imagine it? Possibly.  Memories were drowning me.  But for a second, I felt that maybe Tony paid me a small visit, as if he wanted me to know it will all be okay, we will all float on, and I will get by with a little help from my friends!

May brought many tears and many smiles.

It has been over a month since I have been able to put my thoughts down.  I am not exactly sure why this is, surely Mothers day had something to do with it.  I have approached it many times and fell deep into a state of panic.  These are new emotions attached to Tonys death.  I can not explain it, nor do I want to.  I can only guess that panic translates into my fear of facing the future without my beautiful baby, that others may be forgetting him,  that life will go on and this hole in my heart will never disappear.

May brought about some events that put some things into perspective for me.  My dad suffered a minor stroke.  At first it was touch and go.  While he was in ICU he was confused.  I wanted to be there so when he woke up from naps he would have a familiar face to comfort him and help him understand what happened.  I knew how important  this was from when Tony was sick.  Tony had swelling.  My dad also suffered vision loss which put him at a high fall risk.  Since I am unemployed, I was able to be there during the days for him.  My dad was actually on the same floor, right across from where Tony was.  He even had some of the same nurses.  It was difficult when they recognized me.  It s probably one of the hardest things I have done since Tony died, but I would not have been elsewhere. Once he was moved off ICU, his confusion seemed to go which enabled my dad and I had some great conversations.  Due to his stroke, he struggled getting thoughts out but once he did he knew what he was saying and I learned some things I didn't know about my dad, especially from when he was younger.  He is doing better now, learning how to deal with the vision loss.

May has also presented some trying but a bit more positive aspects of life.  My husband and I spent a wonderful day with our grandson at Canobie Lake in New Hampshire and have had some enlightening conversations with our daughter.

The T-shirt my son had made in Tony's memory was delivered.  Friends of Tony's have visited and shared stories.  An invitation to one of Tony's friends wedding came in the mail, a beautiful gesture and I am grateful that they thought of us, but a reminder that I will never be going to Tony's wedding.  Another friend had a beautiful baby girl, I was so happy for her, yet again, another reminder.  I know that life goes on and I am truly happy for these fantastic friends, but I can not ignore the fact that these things are bittersweet.  I am sure, time will ease the pain of these events and that the first time each of these things happen, they will be the hardest. 

Mothers day was a beautiful, sad, heartwarming day.  It was spent on vacation in Las Vegas with my husband and two wonderful sons.  It might sound odd to celebrate Mothers Day in Las Vegas with your children.  Truth be told, this year I would not have been anywhere else!  I needed desperately to somehow make Tony a part of my celebration.  For his 21st birthday he had gone to Vegas and went on a helicopter ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  He loved it.  So this year, we celebrated Mothers day in Tonys honor.

The entire weekend was great. We stayed at the Encore hotel with the boys at the Wynn.  The hotels were only separated by a shopping plaza and casino.  I shared a favorite spot with my boys with a trip to Red Rock Canyon.  We took them to Hash House a Go Go for breakfast and In and Out Burger for lunch.  They each had events going on to help them with their future careers which gave me some needed spa time while my hubby played with the slot machines.  That evening I was able to enjoy quality time with my husband at the Ray Romano Show.  We laughed for an hour and a half.  On Mothers day I slept in, breakfast in the room.  Dave and Dan presented me with a beautiful others ring.  The stones were in the shapes of hearts.  I had everything I could do to hold back the tears!  Next, we headed off for our helicopter ride.  The winds were strong, only 5 km from canceling.  Needless to say, I was worried, whit knuckle syndrome the whole ride.  It was breathtaking none the less.  When we landed, we had lunch and a champagne toast to Tony.  It was beautiful, peaceful and just what I needed.  I was standing in the same spot Tony had stood, looking at the most amazing views and took the same photograph he was so proud of!  After wards, we had dinner at the Steve Wynn steakhouse which was incredible and followed it up with VIP tickets to La Reve and some gambling which actually resulted in a profit!  It was a sad but beautiful day spent with my boys and husband.

The summer is going to be hard.  So many activities that Tony loved to participate in.  Boating, camping, trips to our property, helping his brothers at events.  I wonder what he would be doing had he graduated.  I am sure they would have been grand adventures.  I am going to try and keep happy memories floating around.  I thought is was suppose to get easier, it just seems to be getting harder.  I tend to swing like a pendulum between trying to keep so busy that my mind doesn't have time to wander, and wanting to just pull the covers up over my head and forget there is even a world out there.  I am tankful to have family and friends that trust me to be able to handle myself in this awful thing called reality.  I know with their faith, love and trust that I will survive.  I may be a bit bruised and scarred, but my heart still holds love for those who walk with me on this journey.

A note to my son

Tony, Tony, Tony.
I wish I could shake my head and say those words to you.  How often they were spoken, mostly when you would do something that I did not agree with (which we know was more often than not).  So much is happening, so many things you should be here to participate in.  The reality just keeps hitting harder and harder.  The other day I actually thought I could feel my heart break once again.  I have a need to look to you to make things better for us here.  I have no idea what happens to us when we pass on, but I have a great deal of comfort believing that you can hear us, see us and be with us as you choose.  If this is true, I must apologize for interrupting your after life with all my requests.  You should enjoy what ever it is you now experience.  I miss your smile, your voice, your great big hugs.  I am always catching glimpses of you, I know it is my mind playing tricks on me, or as some one explained it to me - a muscle memory.  I was asked by a friend what it was like.  Words can not begin to describe the pain.  I tried, the best I could come up with was to liken my life to a war zone.  There are moments of peace time, but you never know how long it will last.  You also do not know where you will be when the bomb does drop, or what you might be doing.  The worst is you have no control over what will trigger the bombs.  It could be something as simple as hearing a song on the radio, hearing someone talk about their son, watching a movie, grocery shopping and reaching for your favorite foods,  having to buy holiday cards, or something bigger like getting your friends save the date card for his wedding in the mail and being reminded that I will never be going to yours.  Life truly sucks without you.  Please, don't ever for a minute think I am not grateful for all that we had or the life I have with your brothers and Jeff, it is just this hole in my heart that will never mend.  I will learn to live with it, cope, and move on, after all life is going on all around me and I must participate.  Some days seem to be harder than others, but no day is ever easy.  I keep hearing time will heal, I can not see how that is possible right now, but I must believe it.
I am so happy that from time to time I feel a connection with you, your presence.  Some think I am fabricating what I need to help me get through thee difficult times, but I like to have faith that you are here with me, helping me, reaching out to me and guiding me along this path.  I will never know the truth, at least not while I am here, but I do know I am lucky enough to be able to feel this deep love that keeps you close to me.  Thank you for all that you gave me while you blessed our lives.  I so want to hear your sarcastic tone just once more, here you get aggravated at me for some stupid thing I may say, but mostly, I just want to hug you, tell you I love you and let you know how very proud I am to call you my son.
Always your mom.  xoxo

What is gong on?

It is almost nine months since Tony has passed.  I can hardly believe it, nor do I want to.  Every day seems to hurt in a different way.  Some days I can laugh and carry on as a normal person, but the reality looms in the back of my mind like a brewing storm.  The thunder will start again and the pain will once again invade my life.  These emotions are like the waves in the ocean, they roll in and out, sometimes gently and other times with the force of a hurricane.  The most unsettling part is I do not have a forecast built into my brain.  I can not predict from moment to moment the ebb and flow of these feelings. 
There are times that seem peaceful; memories comfort me and bring a smile, but there is always the tension of waiting for the storm to erupt and throw me back into the dark reality of a broken heart.  These last few months have been very emotional.  Holidays, family birthdays, the looming of Mothers day and planning our annual camping trip.  I thought that my new reality might get a bit easier as time went on, that is what every told me.  It isn't.  It is getting harder.  I want Tony back.  Selfish? yes!  I want to hug him, to see that twinkle in his eye, to hear the dull grunt on the other end of the phone, to be mad at him for the mess in his room, to get angry because he is up all night and sleeps all day. 
I am planting a vegetable garden this year with the hopes of keeping both the mind and body busy.  I will plant peppers, cucumbers and lettuce in Tony's memory.  He loved his salad.  When he was younger, my brother lived in a two family home with me and many times after dinner he would take my boys to the corner store for ice cream, Tony would opt for a salad over ice cream every time, even though he had just had one with his dinner. He would always make a salad as a late night snack with peppers, cucumbers and bacos!  I know I will survive this unbearable heartache, I am lucky to have my family and good friends to keep me grounded and give me smiles, laughter and love.  It is funny how Easter was never a huge holiday in our home.  We did the family dinner and Easter baskets, but on the scale of celebrations it was on the lower end.  This year I had all I could to to cope.  The hurricane hit when I wasn't expecting and that is when you get knocked off your feet.  I will pull my self up, I will have learned something about this process, and I will go on.  Everyday is a new experience and I am learning to embrace them for whatever they bring, and try to take away something from positive from it. 

Tony, I love you with all my heart; the sunny, warm days feel as if you are even nearer to me.  Sometime I look to the sky and get a peaceful feeling knowing you are somewhere watching out for us. 

Bench Dedication and Florida

Last week my family went down to Full Sail School which Tony was a month shy of graduating from before he passed away.  This school meant a great deal to Tony.  He LOVED it and the profession he was learning.  He would get so excited about projects and his future.  Tony's birthday was March 9th.  In honor of his birthday we bought a bench which was dedicated to Tony and placed on the back lot of the school.  This is where the students make their films and spend a big chunk of their time.

 
When we showed up I was only expecting the head of the film department and maybe one or two others to show us where they placed the bench.  Due to the rain, they had the bench placed on a sound stage with some very dramatic lighting and a photo of Tony placed on the seat of the bench.  The room was filled with the entire film department staff and the founder of the school.  I was brought to tears to see how much this meant to the school.  They were kind, sympathetic and shared stories of Tony's days in their classes.

They spoke of Tony and had a moment of silence.  One of Tony's classmates was still in the area and came to document it so he could share it with Tony's other classmates.  After thanking the shool, I asked if I could see where the bench would be placed.  The founder and another gentleman carried the bench, in the rain to its new home.  There are plans to landscape the surroundings around the bench and make it a permanent fixture on the back lot.  It is an amazing thought to know that Tony's memory will be around the school forever and may even end up in a movie or two!

It was a wonderful way for us to honor Tony and his memory on his birthday.  It was a sad, but beautiful event.  I could have stayed and sat on the bench for hours.  The rain had other plans for us.  The school invited me down whenever I want.  I have a feeling I will be visiting again.

I was worried that this trip might be surrounded by a cloud.  It was just the opposite.  We had so much fun as a family.  We crammed so much into a short amount of time.  Animal Kingdom in the rain, a Slueths Murder Mystery Dinner, The Titanic Experience, one of the best dinning experiences I have ever had at The Capital Grille, dueling pianos in our hotel bar, Universal Studios, Gatorland, Old Town, Go-Karts, sushi at Moon Fish, and mini golf. The rain didn't stop us from enjoying ourselves and our canceled flight home gave us to more days with sunshine to create some great memories.

We laughed and sang and enjoyed each others company.  Tony would have been proud.  I missed him so much, at one point I turned around at the elevator and thought "Where's Tony?".  A calm came over me and I knew we were going to be okay, that our love would help us get through the tough times and that no matter what we would always be there for each other.  It is a wonderful feeling to be able to have your family surround each other with unconditional love, support and humor.  Tony, We all love you, miss you and cherish your all. the memories we shared with you.  We will continue to honor your memory with love, laughter and shared stories.

Happy Birthday Tony

Today is Tonys 25th birthday.  Memories have been flooding my heart all week.  I remember the weeks before his birth.  I was so excited, he was so stubborn.  Labor lasted over two weeks.  I was in and out of the hospital every other day for stress tests to make sure there were no problems.  Every time I heard "oh, you are having contractions, I am sure we will see you later".   This went on for two weeks.  I finally dropped my older two boys off at my moms and went to the hospital telling them I was NOT leaving without a child, preferably mine!  I should have know that day that raising Tony was going to be a challenge.  He was just not ready to come in to this world.  After hours of hard labor and no baby, they decided it was time for a c-section.  Once everyone left the room to prepare, Tony decided it was time to make his entrance.  A nurse came running in and then the panic started.  The cord was around his neck and due to his large size (almost 10lbs) he was not entering the world easily.  After the scare of having your child not breathing for what I am sure was only seconds but felt like hours, I held one of the most beautiful children in the world, even if he was purple from his traumatic entrance.

Tony was my pal, his younger years when his brothers were in school were spent playing, exploring and hanging.  We had fun!  He certainly tested my strengths as a mom.  In nursery school, they used the words determined and inquisitive to describe him.  Having had two other children already go through school I laughed and asked for the real adjectives to describe him.  He was into everything and nothing was beyond his reach.  If Tony wanted something, Tony was going to get it.  Even at the age of two when he threw my camera out the locked glass door so he could climb through it to get outside. One day before school we were down at the Stratford boat ramp having lunch and feeding the birds.  Before I could grab him, he ran full force into the water.  From that day forward I carried not only an extra set of clothes (that I learned a long time ago) but also an extra pair of shoes everywhere I went.

He was smart, loving, imaginative, stubborn, and had a smile and laugh that lit up the world.  Through the years, we butted heads, especially in the teenage years.  The whole time we fought, he had me wrapped and knew it.  My sons always told me, but I couldn't see it.  Now, looking back I do, but I would not have had it any other way!

Tony,  I hope that you are free, that all your aches and pains are gone and you are able to enjoy all the things you so loved.  Your brothers, Jeff, Brenda and all your family and friends miss you so much.  You provided us with love, laughter and great memories.  I am grateful to have been your mom, it was exciting, loving, and yes, at times painful, but I always, always loved you more than you could have known.

We will get through today by focusing on the joy you brought into everyone's lives, your crazy antics through the years and all the love that fills our hearts.  Thank you for being you.

Birthdays and memories..

February and March have always been busy birthday months.  I am the type that celebrates at the drop of a hat.  When my grandson was born and lived with us we celebrated his birth every month.  Not a big party, just an excuse to remember the love and beauty of a child.  February has my brother, a niece, Tony's girlfriend,  and my middle son.  March brings Tonys birthday, my husbands and my sisters.  I thought that once the holidays were over I would be able to put one foot in front of the other a bit easier.  This is not true by any stretch of the imagination.  Dan's birthday just passed and although  we all got through it just fine, the distraction of having our grandson with us surely helped for me.  Dan and Tonys birthdays are so close, so many times we would have three different cakes, one on each of their birthdays with immediate family and then one somewhere in between for the both of them with family and friends.   I felt an uneasiness about how to handle Tony with his brothers birthday.  I know that not everyone feels the way a mom does.  I would always want a card from Tony.  I hope it was as good as could be for Dan.  He is a great son and I am so proud of him.

The anticipation of how to handle Tonys birthday is creating a very unusual, stressful feeling.  My instinct is to cook his favorite birthday dinner, bake a cake and have his brothers and Brenda over to celebrate the life of this beautiful son, brother and boyfriend.  I understand that some may think it a bit crazy.  I do not see anything other than this as an option.  Of course, I would completely understand if either of his brothers or his girlfriend thought this just a bit too odd to participate in.  But for me, this is the only way I can get through the day. 

Last year, Tony had been home for 6 weeks and had just headed back to Florida  a few days before his birthday.  I felt conflicted that I wouldn't be with him on his day.  He had been so sick, I wanted to be the protective mom, but knew I must let go.  I called him a few times.  Brenda made him a chocolate cream pie which they sent me a photo of him blowing out the candles on it.  I thought that was hard, not being with him then; that was nothing compared to this year.  I would give anything to be able to hear his voice, get a photo, see his smile this year.   I regret so much not going down to see him for it, even thought I had celebrated it with him just a few days before, he was 24 and Brenda was with him.  All Tony wanted to do at that point in his life was get back to Florida, finish school and move forward with his life.  Who could blame him, especially after what he had been through.

His birthday is on March 9th.  I can not let the day go by without a celebration.  He would be 25.  I wonder if he would have found his dream job by now, where he would be living, if he would be thinking of settling down, he loved Brenda so much, but I know he would have been happy.   Sure, there would have been those times he would drive me crazy, like only he could do, but I would give anything to feel that again.

My grandson came for a visit this weekend and he got to celebrate one of his Uncles birthdays with us.  He is four so naturally his concern is when his birthday is.  He needed to know who's birthday was next, I replied Uncle Tonys.  He then asked where Uncle Tony was.  I reminded him that we sent balloons to Uncle Tony in the sky.  He so sweetly looked at me and told me that "Uncle Tony was a star and watching all of us".  What a great idea.  I keep that thought close to my heart.   My grandson is getting cheated very differently than the rest of us.  We all have wonderful memories that help us through difficult times, he will never have those, he will only be told stories of his Uncle.  Sure there are photos of him and his Uncle playing, laughing, hugging, and sharing life, and I will always talk about Tony with the hope of keeping some small memory alive, but it breaks my heart that Tony will not get to do all the crazy Uncle stuff he would so love to.

This week I may go deep into my thoughts, get lost in the beautiful memories my family has created.  I may come out a bit sad from time to time, but I will try for all my sons to remember the happy and let it fill me up so that we can all move forward with our lives.  I ask that people talk about Tony, share stories, remember him with me.  His birthday will be one of the hardest days yet, but I am not going to ignore it, so please, don't anyone else.  Tony would want nothing more than for all his friends and family to celebrate, have fun and enjoy the day because of him and the great man he is!

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

What does someone do when things are difficult to handle?  Well, if you are me, you make them more difficult.  The last few weeks have been extremely hard, I have been missing Tony so much.  The void in my heart seems to have grown to monstrous proportions.  So today, I decide to sort through his room some more.  I figure if I am going to feel this intense grief, I might as well dive right in and be as intertwined with him as I can be.  I opened a bag that had been set aside at some point only to have his scent fill my sense with him.  It was a bag of toiletries brought back from his apartment at school.  I took a few deep breathes, closed my eyes and smiled with the memory, then quickly shut it and put it in the cabinet.  I am not sure I will ever empty the bag, it was so nice to be able to open it and immediately have Tony's scent fill the room. 

I arrange his things in his closet, put all his lacrosse gear in the gym bag,  lined up snowboard boots, helmets, baseball hats, and found his fishing pole his Uncle made him.
Tony's room is certainly is filled with memories and emotions, boxes of photographs, clothes, kept ticket stubs, cards and various mementos all bring smiles and tears to my eyes.  A song came on my Ipod which triggered me to take a break.  The sentiment of the song is wonderful and I love the acoustic version. It is a great song called Life Ain't Always Beautiful sung by Gary Allen.  Take a listen, you will be glad you did.

I am struggling with keeping the integrity of Tonys room being his while making it a room where his memory lives and I will be comfortable with keeping his door open.  A few months ago I thought this would be simple; a fresh coat of paint, hang his sentimental belongings up on the wall or put on a shelf to be displayed.  I took most of his ticket stubs and put them in a poster frame.  Who knew that each step, each piece of clothing, electronic gadget, scrap of paper, would wind up taking what seems like an enormous amount of time to decide what to do with it.  In five hours I made a small dent. Not as big of an accomplishment I was hoping for but instead I filled my heart with memories of long ago, some I remembered as if it was yesterday, some forgotten and glad to have rediscovered them.  
This will be a process that I am starting to realize I have no control over.  I had mistakenly thought I could put my emotions away, deal with things as I saw fit.  Nothing could be farther from the truth. 
As painful as today was, I am so grateful to have had all the perfectly wonderful memories to indulge in, and I am thankful that the pain can be softened by Tonys smiling memory!