My birthday was the 21st of September. I am now 53 years old. Most days I feel 112. To mark my birthday this year, I decided to get a tattoo. This is not typical for me but I could not think of a better way to remember my son of my birthday that with a tattoo in his honor. Now, some may argue, that there are many other ways to remember your child, that you do not need to make a statement, your child is always remembered and in your heart. These sentiments are true, however, I felt the need to project this louder than normal. I had designed a tattoo over a year ago, this was not a hasty decision. I refined it and could not be happier with the results. It is small, fairly simple and very personal. It sits on the inside of my right wrist where I can look down at it often. It is a heart, made out of a filmstrip with a skateboard coming out of the bottom. The inside of the heart contains Tony's actual signature taken from a card he had given me. I love it. I brings back his childhood. Tony loved to skateboard, so much so he with the help of his brothers and friends designed and built a half pipe for our yard. Many scrapped knees, elbows and minor injuries were had through his teen years from skateboarding. He kept it up right on through fill school. To celebrate my birthday, I went to a small restaurant called Ann & Tony's. It was perfect. Aside from one elder gentleman who kept playing with his false teeth in the corner, we had the place to ourselves. The food was delicious and the company was fantastic, Dave, Dan, Jeff, and Brenda. Exactly the small celebration I needed.
I am sure it is just me reading "signs" into otherwise everyday occurrences. I have decided, that if these "signs" help get me through the days and nights then I will accept them as I see them.
I attended my first wedding since Tony's death. It was Tony's good friend Tim. I knew it would be hard, being there with his friends, but I was not prepared for the ambush. I should have been, but I concentrated more on the flood of memories that I was going to have to handle and the fact that I was with his friends when Tony should be. But here it was, the mother / son dance. Why did I not think of this? How could I have totally overlooked that this was going to happen so I could have prepared myself for it? It was beautiful. Sure, a few tears snuck up, but I was happy to witness this heartfelt moment on Tony's behalf.
We toasted Tony and I believe he was with us, he would not have missed Tim and Laura getting married for anything. Tim's mom and I reminisced about the time Tim and Tony got stranded in Colorado coming home from a snowboarding trip when they were in High school. Some great memories were shared and the bride and groom graciously donated to a foundation for TTP in Tonys name fro their wedding guests. A slide show brought back even more memories of the men when they were just teenagers.
It was a rough month, I was anxious about getting through it, but each day was a new sunrise, with the hopes of a better day. I try to live each day with the attitude that if today is hard, the sunrise will always bring hope for a brighter day. One day at a time is how I live my life, sometimes, one minute at a time.
