As I strolled to my car after leaving the grocery store, which by the way is one of the worst places for me to be, I felt the actual pain of my heart breaking. A young couple was heading towards me, smiling, and for a moment I actually wondered what was wrong with them, how could anyone smile. But, of course, life goes on despite my pain, so I smiled back and realized that we become masters at hiding the pain and fitting in with society. Babies are born, weddings take place, happy occasions surround us. This was all very normal before my son passed away. Now, with each occasion I question how I will survive it, plan coping mechanisms and hope for the best all the while knowing I may need to excuse myself and head back to the security of my own home.I have attended a baby shower, a grand opening of a friends store, have some birthday celebrations coming up (including my own) and a very special wedding. Tonys absence for these weigh heavily on my heart. Last year I celebrated my birthday by taking a trip with some very close family and friends to scatter some of Tonys ashes. I needed to be connected with my son and felt strongly about doing this on my birthday. It was my way of including Tony. I have no idea how I will get through this year. I want to run away and hide but I knowTony would not be very happy with that, I have always made a big deal over everyones birthdays. So, in honor of my son, I will celebrate, I will figure out some way to cope, to get through the day and move forward; after all, it is really just one more day of putting one foot in fron of the other.
After all, one of the reason we survive this journey is to keep our child's memory alive. If not for us, then who will make sure no one ever forgets, EVER!
