Denial

The reality of Tony never coming home for dinner again is hitting harder and harder.  I heard about the shock and denial stage and thought how silly that was. How can you deny what you know to be real? Now I know it is real, and more frightening I may still be deep in that stage.  It has become apparent through desperate attempts at avoiding my reality that this craziness of denial is in fact a reality.  I have seemed to regress, but this too I hear is normal.  I feel strong, I laugh, I enjoy my family, and then out of nowhere, I am back to day one.   I will be cleaning the house and come across something that I would have normally given to Tony, so, I walk down the hall, open the door to his room and throw it on his bed.  A very normal act, if he were here.  As I walk away, I know what I did was a bit odd, but it feels right.  These are the kind of things that have made me understand the shock and denial stage. 

I read an interesting article about denial and how important it is for our bodies and brains.  We could not survive without it.  Denial helps our minds ease into a reality that would be unbearable resulting in trauma that may become unfixable.  A loss of losing a child is considered to be the greatest loss one can suffer.  It is the unnatural order.  Our brains are wired into recent memories.  The brain needs time to absorb the new reality of memories without our children in them, like a sponge that is already soaked with water, it will eventually hold more water it will take some time for the old water to drain out making space for the new.  So, I hunker down in this new world of denial and wait for reality to smack me in the face. As i move along this new path, from time to time a pocket appears in my brain and fills with the new reality.  It truly sucks.  I hate it.  I am doing the best I can for my family, we need each other to lean on.

 My husband had been scheduled for heart surgery last month, at the last minute the surgeon called it off.  In the operating room the nurse noticed an image that appeared to be a blood clot.  The Dr. had scalpel in hand ready to cut, if he had, my husband would have had a stroke.  Times like those, I believe my son is truly our angel.  It was a scary few days, he went into v-tach when they were removing his respirator and had some complications.  While he was in ICU all I could think of was Tony.  I hate how hospitals just bring it all back.  I have no idea why I am being tested or what good can come of all this, but I am trying to see the positive side in every situation.  I believe Tony saved my husband from that stroke, but I hate that Tony was in a position for me to be able to believe it.  I would much rather have a different guardian angel and have Tony at my side.

The holidays are upon us and I am sure that this friend called denial will help me get through them.  Thanksgiving is in a few days.  The house will fill with family and I will try to reamin thankful for the years I spent having Tony as my son, for his memories, for the love of my other two sons, husband, family and friends and not think about how empty I feel without him in my life.  This year has been harder than the first.  Sounds crazy, but from what I am told as the schock wears off it gets worse.  I am making a centerpiece place mat out of some of Tony's dress shirts for the table.  It will be a beautiful addition to the table.

My sons just had a fundraiser for prostate cancer.  It was called Movember.  They got a team together and all grew moustaches for the month of November in efforts to raise awareness to their cause. I found it ironic that they found a cancer project that used growing a moustache as a way to promote it.  Tony was all about facial hair! They continue to make me a proud mom.  They live their lives and continue to be kind, caring, loving brothers, sons and friends.  Life continues to happen around me no matter how broken my heart is.  It is up to me to decide if I sit on the side and watch it happen, or live it to the best of my ability in Tony's memory.  I know what Tony would want for me.