May brought many tears and many smiles.

It has been over a month since I have been able to put my thoughts down.  I am not exactly sure why this is, surely Mothers day had something to do with it.  I have approached it many times and fell deep into a state of panic.  These are new emotions attached to Tonys death.  I can not explain it, nor do I want to.  I can only guess that panic translates into my fear of facing the future without my beautiful baby, that others may be forgetting him,  that life will go on and this hole in my heart will never disappear.

May brought about some events that put some things into perspective for me.  My dad suffered a minor stroke.  At first it was touch and go.  While he was in ICU he was confused.  I wanted to be there so when he woke up from naps he would have a familiar face to comfort him and help him understand what happened.  I knew how important  this was from when Tony was sick.  Tony had swelling.  My dad also suffered vision loss which put him at a high fall risk.  Since I am unemployed, I was able to be there during the days for him.  My dad was actually on the same floor, right across from where Tony was.  He even had some of the same nurses.  It was difficult when they recognized me.  It s probably one of the hardest things I have done since Tony died, but I would not have been elsewhere. Once he was moved off ICU, his confusion seemed to go which enabled my dad and I had some great conversations.  Due to his stroke, he struggled getting thoughts out but once he did he knew what he was saying and I learned some things I didn't know about my dad, especially from when he was younger.  He is doing better now, learning how to deal with the vision loss.

May has also presented some trying but a bit more positive aspects of life.  My husband and I spent a wonderful day with our grandson at Canobie Lake in New Hampshire and have had some enlightening conversations with our daughter.

The T-shirt my son had made in Tony's memory was delivered.  Friends of Tony's have visited and shared stories.  An invitation to one of Tony's friends wedding came in the mail, a beautiful gesture and I am grateful that they thought of us, but a reminder that I will never be going to Tony's wedding.  Another friend had a beautiful baby girl, I was so happy for her, yet again, another reminder.  I know that life goes on and I am truly happy for these fantastic friends, but I can not ignore the fact that these things are bittersweet.  I am sure, time will ease the pain of these events and that the first time each of these things happen, they will be the hardest. 

Mothers day was a beautiful, sad, heartwarming day.  It was spent on vacation in Las Vegas with my husband and two wonderful sons.  It might sound odd to celebrate Mothers Day in Las Vegas with your children.  Truth be told, this year I would not have been anywhere else!  I needed desperately to somehow make Tony a part of my celebration.  For his 21st birthday he had gone to Vegas and went on a helicopter ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  He loved it.  So this year, we celebrated Mothers day in Tonys honor.

The entire weekend was great. We stayed at the Encore hotel with the boys at the Wynn.  The hotels were only separated by a shopping plaza and casino.  I shared a favorite spot with my boys with a trip to Red Rock Canyon.  We took them to Hash House a Go Go for breakfast and In and Out Burger for lunch.  They each had events going on to help them with their future careers which gave me some needed spa time while my hubby played with the slot machines.  That evening I was able to enjoy quality time with my husband at the Ray Romano Show.  We laughed for an hour and a half.  On Mothers day I slept in, breakfast in the room.  Dave and Dan presented me with a beautiful others ring.  The stones were in the shapes of hearts.  I had everything I could do to hold back the tears!  Next, we headed off for our helicopter ride.  The winds were strong, only 5 km from canceling.  Needless to say, I was worried, whit knuckle syndrome the whole ride.  It was breathtaking none the less.  When we landed, we had lunch and a champagne toast to Tony.  It was beautiful, peaceful and just what I needed.  I was standing in the same spot Tony had stood, looking at the most amazing views and took the same photograph he was so proud of!  After wards, we had dinner at the Steve Wynn steakhouse which was incredible and followed it up with VIP tickets to La Reve and some gambling which actually resulted in a profit!  It was a sad but beautiful day spent with my boys and husband.

The summer is going to be hard.  So many activities that Tony loved to participate in.  Boating, camping, trips to our property, helping his brothers at events.  I wonder what he would be doing had he graduated.  I am sure they would have been grand adventures.  I am going to try and keep happy memories floating around.  I thought is was suppose to get easier, it just seems to be getting harder.  I tend to swing like a pendulum between trying to keep so busy that my mind doesn't have time to wander, and wanting to just pull the covers up over my head and forget there is even a world out there.  I am tankful to have family and friends that trust me to be able to handle myself in this awful thing called reality.  I know with their faith, love and trust that I will survive.  I may be a bit bruised and scarred, but my heart still holds love for those who walk with me on this journey.