I wish I could shake my head and say those words to you. How often they were spoken, mostly when you would do something that I did not agree with (which we know was more often than not). So much is happening, so many things you should be here to participate in. The reality just keeps hitting harder and harder. The other day I actually thought I could feel my heart break once again. I have a need to look to you to make things better for us here. I have no idea what happens to us when we pass on, but I have a great deal of comfort believing that you can hear us, see us and be with us as you choose. If this is true, I must apologize for interrupting your after life with all my requests. You should enjoy what ever it is you now experience. I miss your smile, your voice, your great big hugs. I am always catching glimpses of you, I know it is my mind playing tricks on me, or as some one explained it to me - a muscle memory. I was asked by a friend what it was like. Words can not begin to describe the pain. I tried, the best I could come up with was to liken my life to a war zone. There are moments of peace time, but you never know how long it will last. You also do not know where you will be when the bomb does drop, or what you might be doing. The worst is you have no control over what will trigger the bombs. It could be something as simple as hearing a song on the radio, hearing someone talk about their son, watching a movie, grocery shopping and reaching for your favorite foods, having to buy holiday cards, or something bigger like getting your friends save the date card for his wedding in the mail and being reminded that I will never be going to yours. Life truly sucks without you. Please, don't ever for a minute think I am not grateful for all that we had or the life I have with your brothers and Jeff, it is just this hole in my heart that will never mend. I will learn to live with it, cope, and move on, after all life is going on all around me and I must participate. Some days seem to be harder than others, but no day is ever easy. I keep hearing time will heal, I can not see how that is possible right now, but I must believe it.
I am so happy that from time to time I feel a connection with you, your presence. Some think I am fabricating what I need to help me get through thee difficult times, but I like to have faith that you are here with me, helping me, reaching out to me and guiding me along this path. I will never know the truth, at least not while I am here, but I do know I am lucky enough to be able to feel this deep love that keeps you close to me. Thank you for all that you gave me while you blessed our lives. I so want to hear your sarcastic tone just once more, here you get aggravated at me for some stupid thing I may say, but mostly, I just want to hug you, tell you I love you and let you know how very proud I am to call you my son.
Always your mom. xoxo
