What is gong on?

It is almost nine months since Tony has passed.  I can hardly believe it, nor do I want to.  Every day seems to hurt in a different way.  Some days I can laugh and carry on as a normal person, but the reality looms in the back of my mind like a brewing storm.  The thunder will start again and the pain will once again invade my life.  These emotions are like the waves in the ocean, they roll in and out, sometimes gently and other times with the force of a hurricane.  The most unsettling part is I do not have a forecast built into my brain.  I can not predict from moment to moment the ebb and flow of these feelings. 
There are times that seem peaceful; memories comfort me and bring a smile, but there is always the tension of waiting for the storm to erupt and throw me back into the dark reality of a broken heart.  These last few months have been very emotional.  Holidays, family birthdays, the looming of Mothers day and planning our annual camping trip.  I thought that my new reality might get a bit easier as time went on, that is what every told me.  It isn't.  It is getting harder.  I want Tony back.  Selfish? yes!  I want to hug him, to see that twinkle in his eye, to hear the dull grunt on the other end of the phone, to be mad at him for the mess in his room, to get angry because he is up all night and sleeps all day. 
I am planting a vegetable garden this year with the hopes of keeping both the mind and body busy.  I will plant peppers, cucumbers and lettuce in Tony's memory.  He loved his salad.  When he was younger, my brother lived in a two family home with me and many times after dinner he would take my boys to the corner store for ice cream, Tony would opt for a salad over ice cream every time, even though he had just had one with his dinner. He would always make a salad as a late night snack with peppers, cucumbers and bacos!  I know I will survive this unbearable heartache, I am lucky to have my family and good friends to keep me grounded and give me smiles, laughter and love.  It is funny how Easter was never a huge holiday in our home.  We did the family dinner and Easter baskets, but on the scale of celebrations it was on the lower end.  This year I had all I could to to cope.  The hurricane hit when I wasn't expecting and that is when you get knocked off your feet.  I will pull my self up, I will have learned something about this process, and I will go on.  Everyday is a new experience and I am learning to embrace them for whatever they bring, and try to take away something from positive from it. 

Tony, I love you with all my heart; the sunny, warm days feel as if you are even nearer to me.  Sometime I look to the sky and get a peaceful feeling knowing you are somewhere watching out for us.