Birthdays and memories..

February and March have always been busy birthday months.  I am the type that celebrates at the drop of a hat.  When my grandson was born and lived with us we celebrated his birth every month.  Not a big party, just an excuse to remember the love and beauty of a child.  February has my brother, a niece, Tony's girlfriend,  and my middle son.  March brings Tonys birthday, my husbands and my sisters.  I thought that once the holidays were over I would be able to put one foot in front of the other a bit easier.  This is not true by any stretch of the imagination.  Dan's birthday just passed and although  we all got through it just fine, the distraction of having our grandson with us surely helped for me.  Dan and Tonys birthdays are so close, so many times we would have three different cakes, one on each of their birthdays with immediate family and then one somewhere in between for the both of them with family and friends.   I felt an uneasiness about how to handle Tony with his brothers birthday.  I know that not everyone feels the way a mom does.  I would always want a card from Tony.  I hope it was as good as could be for Dan.  He is a great son and I am so proud of him.

The anticipation of how to handle Tonys birthday is creating a very unusual, stressful feeling.  My instinct is to cook his favorite birthday dinner, bake a cake and have his brothers and Brenda over to celebrate the life of this beautiful son, brother and boyfriend.  I understand that some may think it a bit crazy.  I do not see anything other than this as an option.  Of course, I would completely understand if either of his brothers or his girlfriend thought this just a bit too odd to participate in.  But for me, this is the only way I can get through the day. 

Last year, Tony had been home for 6 weeks and had just headed back to Florida  a few days before his birthday.  I felt conflicted that I wouldn't be with him on his day.  He had been so sick, I wanted to be the protective mom, but knew I must let go.  I called him a few times.  Brenda made him a chocolate cream pie which they sent me a photo of him blowing out the candles on it.  I thought that was hard, not being with him then; that was nothing compared to this year.  I would give anything to be able to hear his voice, get a photo, see his smile this year.   I regret so much not going down to see him for it, even thought I had celebrated it with him just a few days before, he was 24 and Brenda was with him.  All Tony wanted to do at that point in his life was get back to Florida, finish school and move forward with his life.  Who could blame him, especially after what he had been through.

His birthday is on March 9th.  I can not let the day go by without a celebration.  He would be 25.  I wonder if he would have found his dream job by now, where he would be living, if he would be thinking of settling down, he loved Brenda so much, but I know he would have been happy.   Sure, there would have been those times he would drive me crazy, like only he could do, but I would give anything to feel that again.

My grandson came for a visit this weekend and he got to celebrate one of his Uncles birthdays with us.  He is four so naturally his concern is when his birthday is.  He needed to know who's birthday was next, I replied Uncle Tonys.  He then asked where Uncle Tony was.  I reminded him that we sent balloons to Uncle Tony in the sky.  He so sweetly looked at me and told me that "Uncle Tony was a star and watching all of us".  What a great idea.  I keep that thought close to my heart.   My grandson is getting cheated very differently than the rest of us.  We all have wonderful memories that help us through difficult times, he will never have those, he will only be told stories of his Uncle.  Sure there are photos of him and his Uncle playing, laughing, hugging, and sharing life, and I will always talk about Tony with the hope of keeping some small memory alive, but it breaks my heart that Tony will not get to do all the crazy Uncle stuff he would so love to.

This week I may go deep into my thoughts, get lost in the beautiful memories my family has created.  I may come out a bit sad from time to time, but I will try for all my sons to remember the happy and let it fill me up so that we can all move forward with our lives.  I ask that people talk about Tony, share stories, remember him with me.  His birthday will be one of the hardest days yet, but I am not going to ignore it, so please, don't anyone else.  Tony would want nothing more than for all his friends and family to celebrate, have fun and enjoy the day because of him and the great man he is!