Life Ain't Always Beautiful

What does someone do when things are difficult to handle?  Well, if you are me, you make them more difficult.  The last few weeks have been extremely hard, I have been missing Tony so much.  The void in my heart seems to have grown to monstrous proportions.  So today, I decide to sort through his room some more.  I figure if I am going to feel this intense grief, I might as well dive right in and be as intertwined with him as I can be.  I opened a bag that had been set aside at some point only to have his scent fill my sense with him.  It was a bag of toiletries brought back from his apartment at school.  I took a few deep breathes, closed my eyes and smiled with the memory, then quickly shut it and put it in the cabinet.  I am not sure I will ever empty the bag, it was so nice to be able to open it and immediately have Tony's scent fill the room. 

I arrange his things in his closet, put all his lacrosse gear in the gym bag,  lined up snowboard boots, helmets, baseball hats, and found his fishing pole his Uncle made him.
Tony's room is certainly is filled with memories and emotions, boxes of photographs, clothes, kept ticket stubs, cards and various mementos all bring smiles and tears to my eyes.  A song came on my Ipod which triggered me to take a break.  The sentiment of the song is wonderful and I love the acoustic version. It is a great song called Life Ain't Always Beautiful sung by Gary Allen.  Take a listen, you will be glad you did.

I am struggling with keeping the integrity of Tonys room being his while making it a room where his memory lives and I will be comfortable with keeping his door open.  A few months ago I thought this would be simple; a fresh coat of paint, hang his sentimental belongings up on the wall or put on a shelf to be displayed.  I took most of his ticket stubs and put them in a poster frame.  Who knew that each step, each piece of clothing, electronic gadget, scrap of paper, would wind up taking what seems like an enormous amount of time to decide what to do with it.  In five hours I made a small dent. Not as big of an accomplishment I was hoping for but instead I filled my heart with memories of long ago, some I remembered as if it was yesterday, some forgotten and glad to have rediscovered them.  
This will be a process that I am starting to realize I have no control over.  I had mistakenly thought I could put my emotions away, deal with things as I saw fit.  Nothing could be farther from the truth. 
As painful as today was, I am so grateful to have had all the perfectly wonderful memories to indulge in, and I am thankful that the pain can be softened by Tonys smiling memory!