It is officially 2010 and I have survived both Christmas and New Years. I do not have a clue how I accomplished this task, but the important thing to recognize is I did. The weeks before Christmas were by far the hardest days to muddle through in a long time.. A mere trip to the grocery store would send me into a small panic attack. This comes from a woman who many consider to be"the strongest" woman they know. I cringe when I hear that phrase. No one has any idea if I am "strong", how I appear in the company of others does not necessarily show the strength of my mind, heart or soul while grieving the death of my son and my family as it used to be. I try hard not to let my pain spill onto the lives of those around me, but that does not make me strong, inside I am crumbling.
Christmas cards did not get sent this year, something I always did right after Thanksgiving. One year I actually had them postmarked from the North Pole (the one in NY State, but it was still the North Pole) and no one even noticed! I did manage to put up "most" of our decorations, shopping got done, presents wrapped, cooking and cleaning also done.
Christmas Eve was the best it could have been. It was just my husband, my two boys and Brenda. Small, quiet, but filled with love and memories. We had a great dinner, shared a bottle of wine my son had brought home from Italy that I was stupidly "saving for an important occasion". What was more important than having your family together? We then exchanged gifts, a tradition I had started when my children were small. Christmas morning was so overwhelming with Santa, before they went to bed we spent some quality time exchanging gifts with each other. This tradition held steady through all the years and was a welcome calm in the craziness of this holiday. It was emotional, we all missed Tony so much. We included him in our own unique ways. I gave both boys a memory frame that held some ashes and a photo of the three of them. Brenda received a heart shaped ring that held a small part of Tony in it. I received a beautiful blanket that was woven with a photo of my three boys on it with the saying "When I see you smile" above it. Between the warm things my boys got me (they have learned that I love to be warm and cuddly) and this blanket I can sit comfortably in my chair and night and truly be wrapped in warmth and love, what more could a mom ask for!
Christmas morning was hard although my boys were wonderful and came over for breakfast and opened a few more gifts. We hung out for a while enjoying the peaceful easy feeling of the morning. Later, family staggered in for dinner and festivities, more gift opening and some game playing. By the time night fell, I was exhausted, I felt as if I had run a marathon, which I think is a pretty accurate representation. I had to get from the starting gate of the holidays to the finish line and once accomplished, I wanted to collapse they way marathon runners do once they reach the goal.
The New Year was ushered in very quietly. My first thoughts were I wanted to be anywhere but home. As the evening drew closer, there was no were else I wanted to be other than home. Something I have learned is that what sounds like a great idea one day may sound like the most awful idea the next day, or even the next hour. If anyone thought I was fickle or hard a hard time making up my mind before Tony's death, well, hang on, the fun is just beginning. I can't even keep up with my thought process, or lack of one.
2010 will prove to be challenging. I am already dreading some dates coming up. Valentines day, Tony ALWAYS made sure he got me a card, it was so cute. A few years ago he actually got me a cute frog dish that had a heart on it. It has been on my desk ever since. His birthday is March 9th, he would be 25! How is it possible that he isn't going to reach that milestone? How do I celebrate appropriately with out making the boys feel uncomfortable? Easter, Mothers Day, the one year anniversary and all the other family events Tony should be a part of. I know I will survive all these holidays, some easier than others, but all with a heavy heart and with the love and support of my family.
It is officially 2010 and I have survived both Christmas and New Years. I do not have a clue how I accomplished this task, but the important thing to recognize is I did. The weeks before Christmas were by far the hardest days to muddle through in a long time.. A mere trip to the grocery store would send me into a small panic attack. This comes from a woman who many consider to be"the strongest" woman they know. I cringe when I hear that phrase. No one has any idea if I am "strong", how I appear in the company of others does not necessarily show the strength of my mind, heart or soul while grieving the death of my son and my family as it used to be. I try hard not to let my pain spill onto the lives of those around me, but that does not make me strong, inside I am crumbling.
