I survived the annual Christmas party

  So many memories, so many traditions,how would it be possible to keep smiling and entertaining without my youngest son with us? How would I get through one of my favorite parties of the year? The forecast was for snow, not just a flurry, but a blizzard!  This added to my stress and sadness.  Tony would have been so happy with the snow.  We moved the party to an earlier time and as luck (or I like to think-Tony) would have it, the snow held off much longer than they fore casted and everyone was able to make it and stay.I have survived it, I know being surrounded by loved ones and great memories helped.  There were times, I would disappear for awhile and reflect, shed a few tears, but all things considered it was a beautiful evening.  In addition to our annual wish book, where our guests would write down a wish for the coming year, we added a new tradition.  I put a tree in our family room decorated with things from Tony's life.  I asked everyone to bring an ornament to put on the tree.  It was my way of keeping Tony party of our party and helping everyone that was missing him.  There was a book to record what the ornament was and why they choose it for his tree.  It was a wonderful addition to our party.  It connected him even closer with us.  They were kept on a table with the book during the party so we could look at them and share stories. We laughed over the memories, I found out some things I did not know, and it provided an outlet for our sorrow.  It was touching to have my sons friends bring handmade ornaments for his tree.  These are 24 year old young men who actually took time to create something meaningful and share the memories with me.  It touched my heart more than you can imagine.  Later, Brenda and I hung them on the tree, laughing, smiling and holding back some tears.

We all looked through the wish books of Christmases past. It was fun to see how all our lives have changed during the past 6 years. Wishes we thought were important, silly wishes, memories, all captured in scrapbooks scattered across the coffee table. I always struggled with the boys to write something in the book.  I was actually afraid to look at last years thinking Tony might not have written something.  To my surprise, he was the only one in our family who did!  I was amazed, my husband and I are usually the first ones to write in it, but Tony actually wrote and his wish ironically came true.  He wanted his beard to "grow epic" and it did!  I pasted a photo of his beard at its longest next to his wish.  How I hated his beard.  Don't misunderstand, I always thought he was handsome, and the best looking with a short beard and medium length hair.  He actually shaved off his "statement beard" for my mothers day gift having reach the perfect length when he came home in June.

Santa came for all the good girls and boys and this year he was sure to include Tony's brothers, Brenda and friends.

My standard "role" along with hostess, is photographer.  Some love it, others hate it, but all of us expect it and love to look back on them the following year.  It was so hard to take the family photo.  I was grateful for the love and support my children continuously provide me. They are the reason I keep strong and continue to strive and be happy, some days more successfully than others.I made sure we could see a bit of Tony's urn with his ashes in the photo.  To some that may seem a bit strange but for me, I needed him to be included.
When all was said and done, it was a wonderful celebration, Tony was included in many conversations and he was with us all in our hearts and memories. I look at Tony's tree many times during the day,sometimes just glancing, other times holding his first ornament in my hand and remembering what a beautiful, strong, independent child he was, even as a baby or looking at his football photo from when he was about 9, with a broken arm.  Tony was constantly injured.  It broke my heart every time he was hurt, but there was no holding him back, he wanted to live life on his terms, and honestly, I am glad he did.

 I am now wondering how our family will cope on Christmas eve and day.  We have a tradition of opening one gift from each other on Christmas eve.  It started when they were young and still believed.  I thought it was a great way to have our family time and not get lost in the craziness of Christmas morning.  This tradition has continued for 31 years and will this year also.  It will be a bittersweet evening.  I am thrilled that Brenda continues to want to be a part of our family.  She is a great girl and loved my son, as he loved her.  I am sure we will all do our best to keep a smile, we know Tony would want that.  I will need to talk, remember and cry, something that at times makes other uncomfortable, but I think it is important that we experience these things together and know that our family will be okay even if it has changed, our love will be constant and strong and together we will survive.