Today is 6 months since the passing of my baby. In one breath I wonder how could it be 6 months already? The other breath wonders how could it only be six months? It feels as if it has been forever that I have been missing his smile, his voice. Yet, It seems as if it were just yesterday that he was here laughing, enjoying his family, planning his future. This is the conflict that I face every day. Some days, his presence is very large, he is in every nook and cranny of my being. Some days, he pops in and out of my thoughts. I may hear a song, or see something on TV that will bring a memory slamming into my activities, halting me where I stand, or it may cast a warm feeling that helps me along my journey that day. The unpredictability of my grief is something new that I am trying to learn how to cope with. Recently, someone told me it was thought that I should be over this already. OVER IT? How do you get over a pain so intense that at times you can hardly breathe? A pain that encompasses every fiber of your being. Are there moments that are more bearable than others? Absolutely? But there is never a day that the sadness does not take over a moment, hour or sometimes the whole day.
Today, I am trying to focus on the wonderful, happy memories our family shared with Tony. I am cooking his favorite meal and having his brothers and Brenda over to enjoy. Whenever Tony came home from school, I always cooked a london broil for him. I remember getting a phone call from him once around midnight. The first thing a mom is trained to do when you get a call at the hour is to ask if everything is okay. I recall him very calmly saying, "yeah, I just want to know how to cook a london broil!" Talk about wanting to reach through the phone and strangle him. But I laughed, told him and went back to sleep. The next day he actually called to say he was sorry, thank me and said he had a great meal. This was my dilemma with Tony growing up. How do you get mad at him? The joke was always which one of my boys were my favorite. They each had a different opinion and I can honestly say I do not have a favorite. Tony seemed to be able to get me the maddest, but to also be able to get me to forget about it the quickest. Since he was little, he could push those buttons, then give me that smile and make me melt. How I wish he was here to push me to the limits, the smile was so worth it.
I miss my son, more than imaginable. I am thankful for the time he was part of our family, for the love he showered on us, for the memories. I am grateful that we have these to lean on, that my sons had a unique bond amongst them and that though one less, we are still a family, surviving, coping and loving each other the best we can.
