Today is Monday. December 14th. I am not sure what that really means but somehow I feel it is important. Last week I was busy preparing for the upcoming weekend. I saved all my cleaning for Friday to keep busy. Friday was 5 months since Tony has passed.Saturday was a beautiful day. David graduated, he looked wonderful, the future is full of hope for him. He received a degree in multimedia which includes film making. He has already produced a short dvd which had a release party a week ago. I am so proud of him. I did my standard aggravate the kids with to much photo taking, but they were gracious and did not fuss the whole time. Honestly, you would think after 31 and 27 years they would be used to is by now. I am so proud of my all boys, they are hard workers, honest, loyal, loving, and just wonderful, decent men. The house filled with family and friends, laughter was heard throughout our home. It was a heartwarming evening. I even let my hair down towards the end of the night and enjoyed myself for a few hours in spite of myself.
Sunday morning was spent reflecting, relaxing and preparing for the up coming candle lighting I was holding in honor of all children who have died. It was an important issue for me, I am not sure why but I felt very strongly about holding this memorial service. I had busied myself for weeks now, planning, advertising, getting sponsors, organizing and trying to create an evening that would beautifully represent and honor our loved ones. It was a distraction. I hear it was beautiful. People have told me they were happy I did it. Honestly, that was a huge part that drove me to put on this event, to help others through this most difficult season with just a hope of not feeling so alone in their journey. Friends and family were amazed at how "strong" I was, how they could not understand how I could get through it. Frankly, I think I had it easier than they did, I was a bit removed, I was the one delivering the speeches, the poems, the comfort. If I was sitting in the crowd I am not sure I could have handled it. I was a bit removed, on auto pilot reciting words I had written and playing songs I listen to everyday, yes, heart wrenching songs, but not new songs for me.
Today, I woke sick. Nerves? maybe. My stomach is in knots, my head is pounding and my body feels as if I have been beaten. The silence after such a busy weekend leaves the mind open to adsorb all the events that have taken place, complete with the overwhelming mix of emotions that invade the heart and mind.
I want to scream, my heart physically hurts today, I think it has broken just a bit more this weekend. With every phone call about last nights event, while deeply appreciated, makes me very uncomfortable. It was not something I wanted to excel at, memorializing my dead son. I understand that people mean well, and as odd as it sound, I would probably be upset not hearing anything, but mostly I do not want to even talk about it. I am unsure how I will make it to Christmas. I have no desire to write out cards, shop, or finish the decorating. I know some of this I have to do, and I will, but today I will sit and try to settle my mind, soul and stomach. Tomorrow is another day, full of hope, possibility, and the unknown. I will do my best to embrace it, busy myself and move forward.
