Tony loved his school, his classmates, the teachers and mostly the work. He worked very hard and found a career that fit him perfectly. They told us that Tony and Full Sail were a perfect fit. The premise on which the school ran on suited the no nonsense side of Tony. We were told how hard Tony worked, how he would just jump right in and was always ready to tackle any project. We were told that his memorial service was standing room only, that he touched the lives of so many students positively. We were also told that Tony's death made some students realize they are not indestructible and that they may re thought the direction their lives were taking them.
As a mom, you always see the "child" side of your sons or daughters. The "clean your room", "don't bug your brother", "stop ........(you can fill in the blank here)". You raise your children to the best of your ability hoping that something will sink in, that they will remember the advise you give them and put it to use someday. I was lucky enough to hear stories from strangers that let me know my son was indeed a fine young man, that he was a caring, supportive friend, trustworthy, honest and decent. I always knew he was, but the parent-child relationship was still more intertwined than it would have become once he graduated and was living the life he loved.
I feel so gypped that I will not be able to see Tony come into his own, to become a husband, a father, a film maker. I am fortunate to have many wonderful memories to help me get through the hard times, but it does not bring him back into our lives. He has left behind a family full of love for him, a girlfriend who thought her life of happily ever after was in front of her and friends who had plans of adventures for the future.
Our trip to Full Sail was good. It filled a small void for me. The hours before and after our meeting were hard. I was torn between wanting to try and have a good time and being haunted by memories of vacations past with the boys.
We did spend a day in St Augustine. It was a safe place. We had never been there before and it was a beautiful historic town. Something that the boys would not have been interested in doing. It was much to tame for their interests. We did stop on the beach, I love the beach. It was beautiful. The skies were blue, the water warm. However, I was overcome by a flood of memories. As I picked up seashells images of Tony picking up sea glass in Rhode Island overcame me. It was as if I were hit with a tidal wave. A smile came to my face as tears streamed from my eyes. The salt air mixed well with the salt from my tears. I continued to pick up shells as I pushed aside this urgency to flee. I wrote Tony's name in the sand with my toes before leaving. It was something that needed to be done, even though I felt his presense, I needed to see a visual affirmation that he was with me.
It was a roller coaster few days. It was good to be away and yet I couldn't wait to get back home. I know it was a good thing to go. We will be donating a bench in Tony's memory which the school is going to put on the back lot. There will be another trip, I will need to sit on this bench and feel a part of my son in the field he loved and excelled in.
