Well, do not ask me how this has happened but it has been three months since Tony has left us. Some days it feels as if it has been forever. Images and memories invade my daily life on a regular basis making it impossible to believe that he will not be calling, or wandering out of his bedroom door at 1pm looking for breakfast. I won't be wondering if he will be home for diner or bugging him to hang out and play games. Life seems so odd. At times I go about my daily life and may have 5 or 10 minutes where I am actually involved in something else that my mind lets go just a bit of the pain. When this happens one of two things usually snaps me out of it. A thought just pops in my head or I will see or hear something that will remind me of Tony. I then actually feel guilty for having that moment of peace. I wonder how is it possible to have so much pain, so much heartache all while trying to live a normal life.
This coming week my husband and I will be meeting with the teachers and advisor from his college. They were so kind and helpful with having David And Danny accept his diploma, putting together a memorial service, and getting all the needed information to me when I could barely function. It feels as a piece of my son is still with these wonderful people that he had spent the last 2 years of his life with and I need to meet them face to face and say THANK YOU! It will be difficult, we spent a lot of family time together on Florida vacations. I think one of the most memorable, although not most pleasant, is when I took the boys to Daytona beach. It was the first vacation with just the boys and I in a long time. Tony was about 14 years old and a very determined young man. If he wanted to do something, he was going to find a way to do it. The night before we were to leave for Florida, he snuck out of the house. Needless to say a punishment was in order. The poor boy had to share a room with me instead of his brothers. That was one of the things I always admired but hated as a mom. His determination. I knew it was a trait that would serve him well as he tackled adult hood, but was a difficult trait to refine in a teenager. Tony and I were not without our battles, but I believe there was a deep understanding between us, at least I hope so. I know my over protectiveness drove him crazy, but I also believe he understood it. He had a heart as big as all outdoors and would do anything for people to be happy and get along. He was the comedian, the adventurer, the daredevil, but he was also the compassionate, loving, peace keeper that stole my heart the moment I looked into his eyes. I saw that same look the last time I saw him alive. It is an image that will haunt me forever.
Sometimes, when I think of Tony a smile breaks out on my face and I feel peaceful. Other times i find myself crying uncontrollably and wondering how I will make it through the rest of the day.
I am so lucky that my boys are also compassionate, loving, caring sons. I know that they are also grieving in their own horrific way, yet they always seem to have time for me, even if it is just a quick phone call. It helps ground me and helps remind me of the love that surrounds my family and the life we have left to live. I may have suffered a loss greater than most, but not greater than my sons or Tonys girlfriend, just different.
