How does a mother got about the process of cleaning out her sons room. A room that was so lived in, held so many memories. A room that sheltered him from my wrath when we were fighting, that held his dreams while he slept, that friends laughed, talked and dreamed in. The walls are filled with memories of his life led; movie tickets, concert stubs, posters, skateboards, goggles, photos. A desk filled with unwritten checks, unpaid bills, juror assignments, school reports, cards received from loved ones. A closet with boxes of his belongings from school, clothes both clean and dirty, more mementos from a short 24 years of a beautiful life.
I want to make it back into Tonys room, only organized, more accessible, cleaner, neater but filled with all of his memories and the love that he shared with his family and friends.
I have walked into his room many times to sit and feel him around me. We have stored all his belongings from school, all the flowers and cards from his funeral and the beautiful poster boards filled with photos that represented memory. Sometimes I leave with a smile on my face, other times in tears.
I took the first step today. I took down all the ticket stubs and a few stickers and put them in a frame to hang back on the walls once painted with a fresh coat of paint. I have gathered a few knick knacks that will be displayed appropriately in a shadow box frame and on some shelves.
I want to give some of his clothes to his brothers but I also want to leave them in his closet. I am sure with time them will end up where they belong, but right now they need to stay in his room. Exactly where he should be.
I have no idea how long this process will take, and I am pretty sure that I need to do this on my own, but something has been telling me it is time to start. Could it be Tony wanting me to cope? Could it just be my need to feel close to him by spending time with his things?
I do know, I am afraid to finish the job, I miss him more every day, and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier.
