I would look around a this strange mix of people, all going about the day, laughing, joking, enjoying the celebration as they should have, but a piece of my heart just kept breaking. I know that life goes on, I am trying as hard as I can to do this. Some days just seem to be harder than others. The hardest part is the loneliness. I want to be strong for my family, especially my children, so I tend to try and keep things at bay. What seems to happen then is some poor innocent stranger will ask me a question, or start talking about their child in college and I have a public breakdown. Not a thing I am used to doing.
I have been finding that I am happiest being alone which scares me, I have always been a "people person" . I find I look for signs of Tony. When I find them I am comforted but question if I am looking so hard that I am finding what are just odd coincidences or if it is real. This unsettles me even more. The other night I had what I guess we would call dreams for lack of an alternative name. These "dreams" lasted just a few short moments and appeared to me more as an observation. I looked out my bedroom window and saw Tony out on the back deck with Ashton, then I looked down my stairs and saw Tony hanging out in the living room with David and Dan as they have so many times before. That morning, my computer in the living room was opened to my sons video page that linked to my other sons website. It was as if someone had sat in my chair and was watching this new video that Dave had posted of our family friend. I had not looked at it since the original posting a week ago. My boys are insisting that I must have clicked on something before I went to bed. I don;t remember doing it, I want to believe that Tony was here, but I want Tony to still be here with me so badly that I question if I am imagining this or if it is real.
Ashtons birthday was great, he had so much fun and he reminded me of all three of my boys at that age. So excited and full of energy. We ate great food, sang Happy Birthday, he opened a ton of gifts, and a few friends and family stayed late into the night playing games, laughing, and creating great memories. After all, it is the memories that help us get through these difficult times. Sometimes the memories can be so painful, sometimes peaceful. The problem is you never know which way your mental state will swing from moment to moment. Today I found myself crying uncontrollably driving back from swimming, remembering how much Tony loved the water. I wanted to scream it seemed to hurt so much and then I thought of the other people in my life grieving in their own way. I am not the only one, I am not alone, it just seems that way sometimes.
