This past weekend I decided that in celebration of my 52nd birthday I wanted to go to a spot where our family both played and worked very hard. We have owned property in upstate Ny for the past 13 years and many, many trips throughout those years with family and friends have been spent both playing hard and working hard. It was an easy decision to celebrate the life and memories of Tony in the one spot he loved the most. It was hard to keep it only to those family and friends who have been with us from the begining with love, sweat and memories. Deep in my heart I knew it must be kept only to those who knew first hand what the property, hard work, camping trips, and the goal to get to the top of the mountain meant to Tony and all of us involved in not only maintaining such a huge piece of land, but also in enjoying Tony at some of his finest moments. I have not felt at such peace since Tony has passed as I did being at the property. My husband carved a piece of slate that was cemented to a rock from our back yard and brought it with us. We found the perfect spot around the campfire with the lake behind it. Tony will always be a part of the antics and fun we so often have surrounding the campfire.
It was an amazing weekend. Filled with laughter, memories, tears and love. The weather was perfect. Sunny , warm, almost summer like. There was a flock of geese that flew over, they were beautiful. Then two split off and a feather started to float down. It looked so far away, yet it landed in the palm of my husbands hand!
Before we scattered my sons ashes, we all had balloons to set off. There was not one cloud in the sky. We played one of Tonys favorite songs "Float On" as we let the balloons soar into the air. It was a beautiful sight. They looked as if they were dancing in the sky. We sat and laid in the field watching them go off until we could not see them anymore. It was a wonderful feeling amongst great grief and heartache. My beautiful grandson told me not to worry, that Uncle Tony was watching, and was going to take care of us, and he would find the balloons and would visit us on his birthday as he gently wiped my tears away. I believe him!
We then headed down to the lake, to scatter Tonys ashes where my biggest fear was wind. The property had been named "wind haven" by the previous owners due to the constant breeze. I was worried that if we just scattered his ashes on the top of the lake, the current would sweep Tony down stream and off our property, so I made little weights to keep him forever in our lake. I was grateful to see that even mid afternoon, the lake was as still as could be. We tossed a wreath into the lake made by my husband with a small bag of Tonys ashes attached to it. Others scattered some in the water and some tossed little packets with flowers attached to them. His ashes sparkled in the water before slowly sinking. It was very emotional but fitting. Tony spent many hours riding his bike off a ramp into the water at the end of the dock.
After a bit we scattered some near his stone and then we all headed up the trail to the top of the mountain. Another favorite spot of Tonys. My husband and I were among the last to reach the top and as we approached, my breath was taken away. To see our loved ones all sitting, taking in the beautiful view in honor of Tonys memory was a very moving sight to witness. We all stayed up at the top for a while, mostly quiet, but very peaceful. I think we all felt Tonys presence with us throughout the day. It was as if he brought the perfect weather and gave us a beautiful weekend. Every year, every camping trip, there was always some cold and rain, but not this trip!
There were signs everywhere, all weekend that made me more at peace than I have felt yet.
After we headed down to the campsite for dinner, one of our friends got a phone call that someone had found a balloon near lake Champlain in VT. About an hour before that, my grandson had laid down next to me on the ground and said, "Gramma, Uncle Tony found a balloon, but he didn't find them all yet!"
This by far was one of the hardest, yet most beautiful birthdays I have ever had. I did not want to come home yesterday. I feel as if Tony was truly there, making his presence know to us. I wanted to stay, I felt closer to him. I know he is in my heart because when I think of him I feel it break. I had no idea that you could actually feel your heart break until a few months ago.
I know that this was the first on many special occasions where the pain of missing my soon will be greater than most days. Thanksgiving, Christmas, how in the world will I ever manage to get through those holidays with out my baby. I am relying on him to help me.
Tony, I love you, I miss you, and there is not a moment that goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I am eternally thankful for all the memories and photographs (even though you hated me taking them!) and those will be held in my heart to help get me through the days. I am also the luckiest mom to have had three wonderful sons that filled my life with joy, love, happiness and I know your brothers will continue to do so in your memory.
You are with us all, always!
