Last week was busy. My beautiful grandson came for a visit. It was an emotional roller coaster. The joy of having him with us was wonderful. He kept my mind and body busy. Although, he understood that gramma was still getting better from her boo boo back, it was hard on both of us since gramma couldn't play like normal yet, although, much more than the last time he was here.
There were times, I felt guilty for enjoying him so much and feeling pleasure. I know it didn't really mean that I mourned for Tony less. Some how though while laughing and I would glance and see Tony's beautiful smiling face on the mantle, the reality would hit again and heaviness would fill my heart.
Ashton is a joy onto himself, I read books with him daily like all my boys loved, but there is something about that twinkle he gets in his eye that has always reminded me of his Uncle. What a wonderful trait to have. What an impossible but wonderful gift to see.
This morning I woke up without the sweet voice of "good morning gramma, how was your sleep?" Jeff went to work and I am alone in the quiet of my mind.
Just like Ashtons toys are here, surrounding me with memories of his life, so are the memories of Tony. Unlike Tony, Ashton will be back to play with, watch grow, laugh with, hug and enjoy! I will not get to see Tony's beautiful face, feel those great big bear hugs he would give me, hear his tales of school projects, or see that twinkle in his eyes no matter how hard I wish to.
I am so sad, that Ashton will not get to play with Tony, he is lucky that he has his other Uncles, and they love him so much. But a void will be missing.
It is so nice to be surrounded by family. My sons are what keep me going. They are true treasures and I hope to be there for them whenever they need me. The three boys held a bond so true and dear that I can not even begin to imagine the pain they are feeling. I always told them that friends would come and friends would go, but you will always have each other. Never did I imagine that I would be wrong and something so horrible, so beyond my control, would infect their lives and I could not protect them. After all, isn't that a mothers job, to protect her children? I am so lucky to have such amazing children.
When we sat for diner the other night, Dave and Dan joined us. We talked and laughed. Ashton asked who the empty chair was for. I had all I could do to hold it together. We all looked at each other and I told him it would be just us tonight. I am not sure if he was remembering Tony or just wanting all the chairs filled.
I will struggle to keep Tony's memory alive for Ashton. He is young and I fear he will forget him. No one should forget someone like Tony. He was one of a kind and will live in all our hearts forever!
