Well, today is 8 weeks since my heart was ripped out of my body. He would have been home this weekend, helping and participating in the event his brother helped put together. It is right up his alley, skateboarding, bmx, motocross, heavy metal bands. He would be there filming, skateboarding, laughing with family and friends, taking photographs and enjoying life, as it should have been.
I truly hope that someday, I will not be counting every Saturday as another week. I will not go over every detail of that day. I will not remember the look on Tonys face as I left him for the last time unknowingly. That I will not remember the helpless feeling waiting in my hospital bed as long as they would let me to hear some news about Tony. That I will not remember the fear in my sons eyes as he drove me back to the hospital that evening. That I will not remember the look on my other sons face, my husbands face and his girlfriends as we entered the waiting room. But mostly, will I ever forget the feeling of anger, hurt, loss, pain, disbelief, horror all while wanting to shelter my other sons from the pain as the Dr walked in and told us the news.
The hurt does not get less, each day I am trying to get on with life, but I am constantly reminded that life will never be as I knew it and I somehow have to figure out how to learn to live my new life without one of the most precious gifts I had ever been given.
Today I hope to celebrate my sons, all three of them. I am going to this event and bringing Tony with me. He would have wanted to be there and support his brothers. They had a bond unique to them. They truly loved each other for who they are. They fought, laughed and shared memories and activities. They are the best sons a mom could ask for. I will always be proud to say I have three wonderful sons, just one that lives only in my heart! I know he will be with us today, I feel him here, the weather is perfect and as the sun shines on us so will Tony!
