Today I went shopping for baby gifts. Two of my sons friends have had babies in the last few weeks. Dans Friend had a baby girl and it was fun and easy to pick out a cute little outfit for her. The other was a very dear friend of Tonys. The little boy weighed in over 9lbs (like Tony). I want so much to get a gift that Tony would have loved to been able to give himself. The normal baby stores just were not going to cut it. As happy as I am for Tonys friend, I felt cheated that I will never get the chance to shop for a grandchild from Tony. He would have been a GREAT dad. I probably would have turned into an overly protective grandma with Tony as a Dad, but it would have been a great thrill to watch him grow, and accomplish his goals of filmmaker, husband and dad. It is not fair that life has taken not only Tony from my life, but all that the future held for tony and his family to share in with him. I am trying as hard as I can to continue on with life as "it should be", but my heart knows it can never be the same. I feel the emptiness sweep over me like a cold winter night and long for the warmth of his hug. I look to the sky hoping the sky will show me his smile. Every night as I go to bed I wish for nothing more than to dream about him or for Tony to let me know he is okay but I awake with nothing but baggy eyes to show for the lack of sleep I get. I want to scream, throw things, punch someone, and let everyone know I AM NOT STRONG! I may seem it on the outside, but this I do for everyone else and for Tony. He would want me to "calm down mom" as he told me so many times. Tonight I will go to bed and hope for sleep, maybe then Tony will come to me in my dreams. He was always stubborn and did the opposite of what I wanted! Love you baby and hope to see yu in my dreams.
Love mom
