I recently was pleasantly surprised with a visit from my grandson. He has been left with us for a week. I am so grateful to have had such joy, innocence, and beauty brought back into my life. He is a treasure and I am thankful for every moment I get to spend with him.
The harsh reality though is, that since he was born, he has reminded me of Tony, yet he will not remember his Uncle or get to watch his example, cherish memories with him and just have fun. I am aware of how much everyone, including people who have never met Tony, will miss him.
I dreamt last night, that my boys, jeff, brenda and I were searching city streets and alleys looking for him. I found a building housing people missing limbs. They said they all lived in this building together because they made one complete person and could help each other out. They then pointed us towards the water which is where they said we would find Tony. I woke before finding him.
I thought that being busy would help, all it does it clutter my mind, make me tired, and feel guilty about the times I do enjoy myself.
I so want to know how he is, what happened. I struggle with thoughts of not being there with him, that maybe if he heard me I could have talked him into fighting harder and staying with us.
Reality has taken on a new meaning for me. Ashton is pure joy, a twinkle in such a dark place. His personality is very special and at times I have to hold back tears so he won't see gramma cry. He is my snuggle bug and when he crawls into my lap for me to rub his back, I smile and hold back the tears.
