So here I sit, the morning of Doug's race. Tomorrow we head home. This trip has been beautiful and sad at the same time. It is family gatherings like this that reality can be so brutally in your face. It happened again last night. I was back at the rental home, Dave was there, I just talked to Dan who was still at the mountain and I took out my phone to call Tony to see where he was. I want to scream and make this tragic mistake disappear. Tony should be enjoying this with us. I brought a piece of him with us, some may think this strange, but I needed to have him here. I even gave him to his brother to take him snowboarding. I have been searching for a sign that he is here with us, have the ones I think I have seen my imagination wanting it so badly that I read things into it, or is it really Tony reaching out to me to let me know things will be okay, he has traveled with us and is watching over us. My heart believes the latter, my mind is not sure. I do know that he is with me in spirit, he always is, and I have been talking to him a lot these past few days. I have asked him to watch over his brothers and take care of them, and then chuckle to myself thinking if Tony is here, he is watching the snowboard events! These are the times that are some of the hardest. Family events. Tony was always with us and his absence is huge. I know I will get through it, but I am extremely heartbroken and mad that it is something I have to get through. It is unnatural, I want my baby with us. Since I can't, I keep him alive by talking about him, remembering every detail of his face, his laugh, his smile, and when faced with a situation wonder "What would Tony do?"
