This morning I woke up early. I laid in bed around 3:30 restless and tired. I could not fall back asleep. As I closed my eyes, there it was. I wasn't dreaming, I was awake. It was the most beautiful image I have seen in a long time. Tonys face, soft, warm and smiling down on me. I was afraid to open my eyes because he might disappear, I wanted to sleep so that maybe I could dream about him but was also afraid that I might not and this beautiful image would be gone. He looked happy. He looked peaceful. He looked as if he wanted to talk to me. The mind is a very powerful device and I knew I could imagine anything at all. I decided to just lay there, eyes closed and let my mind drift where ever it wanted. I knew at this moment I could not be sure what was real and what my mind and heart wanted.
I do know, once Tonys face disappeared and my conversation ( one sided as it may have been) was over, it was time to get out of bed. I am so angry that I can not dream about Tony. This is the closest I have come to a dream in a very long time. I want to believe that this was something better, that Tony came to visit me and let me know it is okay to move forward with the holidays.
I went to bed wondering how I could start decorating and celebrate the holiday. The day after Thanksgiving has been my day to put up the Christmas tree. Tony would always tell me he would help me, however, sleep usually came before the tree. He would always help if he was awake. I have been struggling with continuing to do it on the same day or breaking tradition and doing it some other day. All my children have always made fun of how much I love Christmas. My heart just isn't in to it this year but I feel the need to keep with the spirit and hear Tonys voice telling me "Mom, your ridiculous!" as I sing the carols and decorate the house. I can see him stumbling down the half, eyes half shut, asking me if the music was loud enough.
So, my "visit" from Tony this morning I am sure was fueled by a guilty mom looking for some affirmation that it is okay to celebrate and waking to the image of Tonys smiling face is all I need, even if it was just a dream.
