This Thanksgiving there was a heaviness in the air, an unspoken sadness. It seemed as if we all tipped toed on eggshells so as not to disrupt the flow of the day. A small, short toast was made at the table acknowledging the loss and emptiness we all were feeling and then we ate, talked, laughed and gave thanks to the memories and lives we shared. After the dishes were done, leftovers put away, and company gone home-my husband and I were left to the silence of an empty house. These events would normally happen every year, but I had the wonderful feeling of knowing my youngest son would be around for a few days, eating, sleeping, hanging out. I would always try and talk him into helping me with the tree the day after, most of the times he would find a little time to make his mom happy and help a bit.
This year, well, it was me. My husband wanted to help, but the poor thing, I wouldn't let him. I was actually afraid that the sentimental ornaments might not get placed in the right position this year. I did not know what the right positions were, but I did know I needed to find them. I lit a fire in the fireplace, put a Christmas Story on the television and dove into the emotionally draining task of decorating the tree.
It was a long process filled with memories. Babys' first Christmas, family photos, early school project ornaments, vacation ornaments, ornaments painted together. I would hang a few, tears would fall and I would take a break, then repeat the process until my tree was as beautiful as always. Many may look at my tree and think it a mess, no rhyme or reason to it. I look at it and see my family's life before my eyes- nothing is more beautiful than that!
We have an annual Christmas party with a tradition of exchanging ornaments. In memory of Tony, I am putting up a tree in the family room that will hold his ornaments I had been packing away for him to put on his tree when he moved out. They will be placed on this tree along with ornaments our friends and family will bring that reminds them of Tony. It will be our way of including him in our party and a beautiful remembrance to cherish and admire year after year.
I am experiencing major ups and downs this week. To say is has been an emotional roller coaster would be a huge understatement. I am fortunate to have great friends and family that help keep me busy and love to talk about Tony with me. It is wonderful to be able to remember the good times (and some bad times) and cry and laugh about all of them. I know the next month will be the hardest time on my family, we will be sad and miss him more than anyone could describe, but with the love and memories we share, we will lean on each other, have a celebration that Tony would want us to create memories that we will look back on in the future
