2017 is here! So many have been anxiously awaiting the new year as if some miracle will happen and bring magic into our lives. For me, the harsh reality is that nothing will ever take the pain that has settled to the bottom of my heart with Tony's name on it. This is not to say that have not found joy or happiness. I have. I laugh, smile, go on vacations, play silly games and for the most part, truly enjoy my life and cherish those who have stayed or joined in to walk with me through it!
I hear many say that after three years, after five years, after seven years, after ten years it will begin to mellow. You will process and learn to cope easier. In my youth of grief wisdom, I actually believed that after three years it began to soften. It did, but like the tide, it flows in and out never staying static for long.
I hit the seven-year mark on July 11th, 2016. Smooth sailing so I thought. I kept pushing this unsettled feeling away. Chalked it up to a fragmented family, recovering illness, loss of income, but honestly, deep down, I knew. Years do not mark our grief. Our heart does not feel in time. The holiday season was here and I missed my boy, my dad and others. All the preparing, all the coping, all the tools I was taught and teach did not matter. My heart knew grief and it took hold with a vengeance.
There were bright spots, and my Christmas village went up, the house was strung with lights, I went into New York City with friends and her granddaughter experiencing the wonder of Christmas through a child's eyes once again. Memories, connecting with Tony's friends, hearing stories, sharing photos, beautiful days, gratitude, grace, love, peace, health, wonderful nights, amazing sons, a kind husband and patient friends; these are the things that bring us through the dark spots. I practice gratitude and random acts of kindness. I do these in honor of Tony. I acknowledge the good, try not to be so hard on myself allowing the world to take shape around me. I have let go of control (OK, mostly) and am working on letting go of worry! THAT is my nemesis. After all, I have learned first hand that nothing is off-limits. That the worst possible thing you can imagine happening, can! How do you not worry after that?
