August seems to be playing itself out as an especially painful month. This surprises me. I thought July would be the month to do me in, after all I was reliving all the events leading up to the moment Tony died. That is the painful reality of this journey I am now on. My reality shifts moment to moment. What I think will be a great distraction and fun time can turn on me in a second, leaving me in a heap of tears and memories. I then tell myself, I can move on, I can get past this. As these thoughts cross my mind a vice grip envelopes my heart and won't let go. How can the pain and hurt be so strong this long into my grief? It as if I am grieving more intensely now than a year ago. Was I that much in denial? Did I really think Tony might come home again? Am I losing my mind? I have no idea. I do know that this new life sucks and I want my son back. I can not seem to go more than a few seconds without Tony invading my thoughts. I try very hard to remember that I am not alone in this pain. I try to embrace the wonderful memories I was fortunate to share with my son. I try and try, but this month wants me to grieve deeply. I am giving in. I am submerging myself in memories, tears, anger - whatever emotion wells up inside me I am going to try and tackle it head on. Usually, I can smile when Tony comes knocking on my heart, feel both the pain and the joy of the memory; but lately there is no escape from the sadness. I am confident this extreme pain again will pass. For reasons unknown it is taking much longer than most times.
So, how do I handle the fact that a year has come and gone and I am still standing? For now I cry, and I smile while I look through photos, I remember all the beautiful times with family and friends, miss what once was, and search for something to help make sense of this life that is now mine and pray that my sons, and my husband, will not walk this same path and if they do, that I may reach out to them and help them know they are not alone. That with love, patience and understanding we can get through anything together.
