Yesterday, I again decided to head into New York and have an "alone"day. It was wonderful, discovered some new eateries, a beautiful park, a great place to shop, bumped into Ted Danson and got lost in my thoughts as well as the city.
There was one thing odd about yesterday, Three times, in three very different places and times, I ran into a film student who was filming a skateboarder. Now, the first time was on the subway. When I saw them I smiled and thought of Tony. I got off the subway and they stayed. I never gave them another thought, until, hours later after being lost for more than I care to mention, I walked into a park and there they were. I sat and watched them for a bit, the entire time thinking of all my boys, but especially Tony. Two of his passions were being played out right in front of me. After a few tears I picked myself up and left, determined to find the chocolate place I set out to indulge in. I finally did find it and after some great chocolate, decided my feet had been tormented enough, time to head back to the train. I wanted to walk, so, I meandered through the streets again only to have an arts and crafts fair catch my eye. As I was checking it out I heard the unmistakable noise of skateboarding. Well, to my surprise, it was the same two young men. I felt as if Tony had been with me the whole day, letting me know that he was OK. I gave me a sense of peace and huge sadness at the same time.
I hope that these feelings of Tony wanting me to know he is okay are real, but even if they are not, they serve a purpose. I want to believe that Tony is with all of us still, that he roams around and tries to communicate with us in subtle ways (very unlike him, he was more of a commanding type). I want to believe for my sanity that I will see him again and that he knows how much we all love him and miss him. The reality is, no matter what I want, he is gone and everyday I have to face that fact, over and over. Sometimes it happens as soon as I open my eyes, other times I can get through most of a day before the tears come, but everyday my heart breaks all over again.
